The Untold Life of...

Down The Rabbit Hole (The Broken Tea Cup Awaits) - GD/Seungri

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 00:38:00 -0700

Title: Down The Rabbit Hole (The Broken Tea Cup Awaits)
Rating: G
Pairing: G-Ri
Word Count: 1359
Genre: AR, Angst
Summary: He had just asked me to meet him in Wonderland. And I promised I would.
AN: For vvipforseungri aka Martina because I know she loves Alice in Wonderland.

He had just asked me to meet him in wonderland. And I promised I would.

“You’re not lying right, you’ll really meet me?”

And I turned to him all smiles and eye rolls because he was Jiyong and he always asked the crazy impossible things. But I was Seungri and I always believed I could do it and so I nodded. I would always agree. Jiyong’s wishes were always grand and with him we probably were already in wonderland.

“I promise as long as you have tea set up for my arrival.”

His grin always wide and full of teeth and too much gum greeted my answer “If you’re okay with this crazy mad hatter making it for you then sure.” I nodded then. I’d be okay with whatever he wanted. “Make sure you go to the blue table with the broken tea cup.”

And he would whisper all conspiratorial like as if his words would be caught by spies and used against him “I broke it the last time I was there so I would remember that it was mine. But don’t let anyone else know, I’m trusting you here maknae.”

I should have been paying attention from then. The mad hatter was rather mad and hardly reliable. But I trusted Jiyong.

****

“He hasn’t come to work in a few days. Seungri can you check on him please? He won’t answer his calls and I’ve already sent Youngbae over there once, not a word.”

Was I his keeper? No. I didn’t understand why I had to be the one to do it. I figured he was going through some sort of work withdrawal. He went through some sort of funk like this a few years ago. It had been depression he had said and after a few pills he was Jiyong again. He just needed a few more pills.

I had a key to his apartment that’s probably why they had asked. Jiyong was my best friend after all. I let myself in and stopped short. Jiyong had his blackout curtains covering the windows and setting the place in darkness. He had always enjoyed nighttime and the darkness.

Gaho rushed toward my feet whining loudly. And then I noticed the smell of dog shit and piss and wrinkled my nose. I figured before dragging Jiyong out I’d clean the place. I set about taking Gaho out and picking up his mess, opening the windows, and lighting some candles to air out the apartment.

When I finally made my way back to his room didn’t bother knocking and I heard some scuffling before I saw bright brown eyes peek out through a crack in the door at me. And then I was pulled by my arm into his room. Looking around my eyes grew wide. Jiyong was the neatest person I knew. He always kept his room tidy but now I could see scattered piles of clothes and shoes and papers everywhere.

“Ah, yeah, I haven’t had a chance to clean yet.” I knew I had a puzzled look on my face because of course he had time. “Come here.” His fingers curled around my wrist and pulled me toward him. And then all my worries were drowned by the taste of mint tea and gum drops.

****

The next week when he didn’t show up for work again I became worried. I had desperately pleaded with his boss to let him use up all his sick and vacation time instead of firing him and he had agreed because he was worried too.

When I made it to Jiyong’s apartment half his things were on one side of the apartment and the other half had mysteriously disappeared.

He agreed to go to the doctor with me but only because I promised to let him stay at my place now. I could sense he was on edge, his eyes were slightly glassy now and his far away looks kept becoming more frequent.

A tumor they said. One that kept eating away at his brain, spreading and carving pockets of air where once all his creativity and being were. He was still Jiyong to me, still the same hyung who let me steal from his plate of food, wear his clothes – and who would wear mine – the same hyung who wrote me poetry and songs in his spare time and strummed his heart on his guitar.

He was still the same person but not. And when I watched him sleep late at night I could almost pretend everything was normal, that my arms around his waist and his breath on my cheek was like any other Saturday night.

****

I watched him slip away in small ways though. Crayon drawings popped up around my apartment, of symbols and tea cups and nonsensical words and no matter how hard I scrubbed they kept popping up until I stopped altogether and they became just another piece of art by Kwon Jiyong. His hair once styled just right, I found in clumps here and there, sometimes it fell out and sometimes I watched him pull it out. He still talked non-stop like he always had. Of dragons and fire and secret tea cup meetings with the Cheshire cat – “who could never be trusted” – of faraway places, and dreams he had, of things he did and wanted me to do too, And somewhere along the way when the lucid days became far less frequent than the far away and glassy eyed ones and the doctor said the medication had done all it could do I decided I would let him take me with him.

****

“I’ve fallen”

“Fallen where?”

“Down the rabbit hole” And his eyes were a little too far gone, his smile a little too cracked.

“Can you come back?”

He laughs but it sounds maniacal
“Ri you know you can’t fall down the rabbit hole twice.”
He wasn’t making sense. None of this was making sense.

“No but can’t you come back again?”

“Oh no, no, no. There is no back only forwards and sideways and zigzags and up and down but there is no back.”

The skin around his mouth was white almost translucent, like paper but thinner.

“But won’t you miss me Ji?” he smiles again spreading thin the layer of skin, he still looked beautiful of course, but it was a mad beauty made up of memories and words that would never make sense anymore.

He leaned forward bone thin fingers curving around my jaw too tight for muscles that had disappeared long ago. I didn’t move, couldn’t move, didn’t want to. And as he neared I stared into glazed eyes that weren’t looking at me, hadn’t looked at me for a very long time, they were lost in a world that I couldn’t see. Inches separated our lips and when he spoke his breath hit my lips like steam from a hot cup of tea.

“I won’t miss you. You’re coming to wonderland too.” And then he kissed me. I tasted insanity and tea on his lips and I’m sure that if I moved an inch from them they would crumble into dried biscuit crumbs or nothing at all.

He smiled even as I spoke against his lips “Down the rabbit hole?”

Fingers brushed through my hair, soft as spider silk, for a moment it felt like the past but it wasn’t, not when I still tasted madness on my lips, because it was all wrong.

He pulled back from me a pleased smile on his face and that far away look in his eyes. He sang out in his light dreamlike voice “Down, down the rabbit hole and never back again.”

He was the mad hatter now, no more Jiyong with his love for music and clothes far too expensive for him. I sat back in my chair a smile forming on my lips. I was late for tea and I had promised a certain hatter I would meet him at the blue table with the broken tea cup. And he always hated when I was late.

Down, down the rabbit hole and (never) back again.

Nothing you say will make this better.

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:53:08 -0700

wanderhere:

This was really it for them. All their hopes, all their dreams, every single moment they stood on that stage, gone. It wasn’t unexpected for them really. Each member knew they would be disbanded eventually, but this early?

Daesung nodded his head resolutely. His father had been right all along. Singing wasn’t a career path he could do for the rest of his life. And so with watery eyes and resignation on his face he just nodded at Sajangnim. Maybe if he begged for forgivness and told his father he was right he’d be welcomed home. Home was really all he had left at this point. His voice that could lift higher than the clouds wouldn’t be used anymore.

Seungri stood there speechless. No, nonononono. It couldn’t be over. He was still young. He still had many more years to stay at the top, to sing, to prove himself. What did he do now? He wasn’t as popular as the three eldest and he certainly didn’t have the voice. He had his Academies, yes, but even those wouldn’t keep him at the elevated rank he was now. Maybe Japan jobs? And with a flood of relief that he kept hidden expertly, he nodded his head as well. This wasn’t the end for him. Maybe he had reached his peak but he wouldn’t be falling down too fast just yet.

Youngbae blinked several times realizing that the words from Sajangnim’s mouth weren’t a joke. His bandmates, his friends, his brothers, everything was over now. Now he recalls Sajangnim’s words as he asked if he would stay with the company even if things turned sour. He had said yes of course. YG was his life and he wouldn’t give it up. But that inkling regret in his mind and the feeling of betrayal if he stayed wormed into his mind. Did God want him to stay? Up until this moment he trusted his prayers and the direction of his life but without his members, without Jiyong, Seunghyun, Daesung, and Seungri it felt like an empty life. He didn’t know what else to do, so he prayed like at every important or life changing moment he had come across.

Seunghyun was the eldest he should have been the most prepared for news like this. He wasn’t cut out for the cut throat reality of idol life. Perfection was something he was not and he couldn’t help feeling that if he had tried just a little bit harder, Bigbang wouldn’t be over right now. He was the hyung, he was supposed to protect his dongsaengs and yet he couldn’t even protect himself from the feeling of utter despair and disappointment. He swallowed hard once and asked the question everyone was wondering, “why?” He started to picture his life after Bigbang, away from the schedules, the fans, the stage. It was a simple life in a small apartment somewhere deep within Seoul. He would walk freely on the street and eat all the street food he could ever want. Ice cream was never off limits and treadmills were a non-existent thing. Maybe he would even have someone holding his hand tightly as he ate some fried food on a stick. Or maybe not. It didn’t seem so bad to him. But he could already feel the loss of what he had. He would be trading loneliness for grief and he didn’t know if he liked either one.

Jiyong felt an unpleasant feeling fill his stomach, it seeped and bloomed stretching until it filled every part of his body. His toes started tingling and his fingers became cold. Since he was thirteen this was all he knew. Everything he worked for was it really over? No it wasn’t. Not for him anyway. YG would offer him a producing job or maybe let him finally go solo like he had always wanted. But at what cost? The loss of Daesung’s voice, Youngbae’s dance, Seungri’s tenacity, and Seunghyun’s fire? He may not have wanted this group when he first started out but he did now. He needed them now. What little strength he had built around him crumpled. Nothing anyone could say would make this better. Bigbang was over. Bigbang was over. Over.

And they all thought at the same time, why?

Hell hath no fury like a dragon - Seungri/GD

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 03:25:00 -0700

Title: Hell hath no fury like a dragon
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: G-Ri
Word Count: 1998
Genre: Pwp and crack
Summary: The punishment of Lee Seungri by Kwon Jiyong
Warning: Breath play and such
AN: So I felt like I should write about what Kwon Jiyong does to Seungri when maknae has been a naughty boy. I find it funny that this is the thing that breaks through my writers block.

It would be an understatement to say he wasn’t scared shitless to fly back to Korea. His hands were already shaking and no amount of airplane alcohol could stop him from having a nervous tick in his eye. It was a well known fact Sajang-nim’s scolding could burn holes through ones skull, but no, he had far worse to contend with.

His leg bounced up and down counting the seconds as the plane came to a stuttering stop on the runway. He had stayed in Japan through the scandal and thankfully — albeit it only made him more fearful — he only received calls and condemnation from the higher ups. And his manager’s rant didn’t even faze him (he couldn’t touch any of his members let alone Sajang-nim when it came to disciplining).

But one person worried him beyond belief. It was the reason for his sleepless nights and pizza sized eye bags. He knew Jiyong was busy and he was sure having his little “incident” days before his album release put him in a foul mood. But Seungri had remained unscathed from Jiyong’s shrill voice through the phone. There was no text or call from him, he later half expected Jiyong to march through his hotel door and slap him, but nothing of the sort.

So as he wound his way through the airport, going as slowly as possible while still trying not to attract attention, he thought of what would happen.

His brain filtered through half scenes of Jiyong throwing his congratulatory album release cake at his face along with a bottle of Dom Perignon, he could just see Top’s indignation at that “Jiyong that’s a vintage bottle!”, or maybe Jiyong would just settle for the usual titty twister. Seungri winced and reached a hand up to rub at one nipple, in remembrance of a particular time when he had embarrassingly tried to kiss Hyori after the 2008 MAMA’s because, “I want to be like Top hyung.” And not only was there a livid Daesung after him but he was positive if Youngbae hadn’t pulled Jiyong’s fingers from his nipples he wouldn’t have any right now.

His eyes flicked in panic at the van he was ushered into and he had half a mind to refuse going to the YG building. But he had to meet with Hyunsuk right away. He took deep mouthfuls to calm his nerves trying to think of happy scenarios. After all Jiyong might not even be there, his album was just released and he had a bunch of promoting to do.

Of course given the recent turn of events in his life he should have expected to see Jiyong’s Bentley along with the rest of the member’s cars in the overhang parking lot. Seungri’s feet felt unstable as he dragged himself into the building. His heart was beating at an uncontrollable speed and he panicked thinking he was having a heart attack. He stopped mid-step just outside the elevator and gave a terrified glance to his manager. His feet were moving backwards before he could even figure out what was happening but his hyung must have sensed his flight instinct winning out because somehow he was yanked into the elevator before he could protest. He stood there looking absolutely put out and petulant and watched the numbers tick past he could feel them counting down to his death.

He hoped his mother would bury him just outside of his hometown underneath the little cherry blossom tree he loved so much. A flitting thought had him wondering how many people would show up, he hoped he’d receive lots of flowers and his headstone would read something about him being a fine man.

He was shoved more than led out of the elevator and moving forward he realized they weren’t at Sajang-nim’s office. An ice cold chill ran down his spine it, looks like he wouldn’t be receiving a reprieve. Manager hyung led him to a recording room and turned, his gaze showing no sympathy, and walked away. Seungri began wringing his hands wondering if the tall fake potted plant would be a good place to hide behind. As he shuffled forward the door handle turned and he stopped feet rooted to the ground. He vaguely thought that this must be what deer felt like right before they got hit by a car. Seungri stood and stared at Jiyong and Jiyong stood and stared at Seungri.

Seungri was afraid if he took a breath he would be sucked into the black hole that seemed to be Jiyong’s gaze. He gulped and that must have been the wrong thing. Jiyong, quick as a flash, grasped his arm and yanked him inside the recording room the door shutting with a loud bang, his death was imminent. He prayed to every god he could think of, even praying that he’d be as devout and abstinately chaste as Youngbae if he lived through this, but to no avail. Jiyong’s gaze was molten lava; Sajang-nim could learn a thing or two from Jiyong.

“H-hyung you look nice…your hair…pretty colors” he was surprised he could even speak let alone say anything that made sense. Jiyong just watched him gaze surprisingly calm. Seungri knew though, he knew that this was just to trick him. Jiyong was like a cobra so deceptively pretty until he decided to strike.

He flinched away when Jiyong moved forward and he watched the corner of jiyong’s mouth turn upward. This was not good, not good at all. Every sensible part of Seungri’s body told him to run while he had the chance, but just like the stupid prey that he was, he stood mesmerized while Jiyong gingerly took his wrist and pulled him against his body.

“Ji-Jiyong?” He realized his mistake too late. Such delicate hands grasped at what little hair he had and pulled sending his neck craning back into an uncomfortable angle.

“Seungri-ah it seems you’ve been a naughty boy while away. “ Jiyong’s lips ghosted across his exposed neck, those pretty pink lips stopping just at his jugular, whispering, “I hear you like it rough, is it true?”

He could feel his lip quiver and berated himself for the way his breath came out so breathy and needy, “I-It’s not true.”

Jiyong’s eye brows curved upward and he could feel his lips smooth into a smile against his skin. “Oh? So you don’t like it like this?” Suddenly and unexpectedly (because how could his hyung be so strong and look so delicate?) he was thrust backward the wall hitting his back hard and taking away his air.

A small undignified womanly noise – womanly because Seungri doesn’t do girly things – escaped his mouth at the shove, but that was nothing to the wanton whimper that left his lips when Jiyong unmercifully bit down on his neck, it hurt. It hurt enough to make tears form in his eyes but he didn’t push Jiyong away because he liked it.

He could already feel himself hard against his jeans and Jiyong must have too because then he was whispering against his lips fast, “Seungri you shouldn’t lie to me it only means I have to punish you more.” Jiyong’s kisses were bruising, his hands were rough, grabbing at his clothes, basically ripping them off, and Seungri was just so turned on.

In a whirlwind of Jiyong’s biting and clothes flying he found himself knocked down to his knees. He looked up at Jiyong and saw the same amused smile on his face as before, “I’m going to give you a chance to say sorry for lying, okay?”

Seungri didn’t have time to nod before his mouth was forced along Jiyong’s length. He had no control over anything not as he fought for air around Jiyong’s cock or when he choked at the deep thrust into his mouth. He could feel his throat become raw, a dull throb forming with each thrust, and all he could do was open wider. Somewhere between thrusts Jiyong began whispering fast and low.

“Seungri you’ve been bad while away haven’t you?” he glanced upward watching the way Jiyong’s face contorted in pleasure, spit fell down his chin and precum slid down his throat steadily, “You know I have to punish you, it’s what a leader does.” And he could feel himself nodding because Jiyong was right, he deserved to be punished. He swept his hand down to his now painfully hard bulge. He palmed himself almost releasing at the sound of Jiyong’s voice, whispering, just whispering and telling him how bad he’s been.

Just as he could feel himself about to tip over Jiyong grasped his hair again and yanked him upwards. He careened toward the couch and was shoved face first into a cushion his boxers pulled down to his ankles before he could protest.

“Jiy—“ his words were cut off by the way Jiyong was grinding into his ass. He tried to twist around, to tell him that it’d been a couple of weeks he couldn’t be taken dry.

Jiyong’s lips were at the shell of his ear biting, “Ah, Ah did I say you could speak? Remember this is your punishment” Jiyong’s voice was all cotton candy and bubblegum, much like his hair, but his thrust inside of him was all razor blades. He screamed, or attempted to with what little voice he had, his fingers clutched at the couch, anything, turning white. The subsequent thrusts were just as hard, just as painful, and just as good.

He was moaning even before Jiyong reached a hand around to palm at his cock. His normally soft, loving fingers grabbed and pulled hard along him and it only turned him on more. “This is what you like, right Seungri?”

And there was no denying this time, not with the way his voiced keened and cried for more. Those delicate hands slid up his chest and he could feel his breath hitch and his body go completely numb as they encircled his neck. Blood pounded in his ears and all he could hear aside from the loud skin on skin sound was himself saying, “pleasepleaseplease” over and over again. It was his new mantra.

And it was like every fiber of his being melted and shifted into complete air when Jiyong tightened his hold around his neck. He gasped and clutched at Jiyong’s hand not to stop him but to ask for more. He turned his gaze backward to stare pleading, more, more, he needed more. His breath constricted, and for a few fragile seconds he all he felt was Jiyong, inside of him, around him, everywhere. It was just Jiyong. Faintly he heard the melodious cry from Jiyong’s lips and then he exploded into a thousand rays of light and supernovas, finally being sucked into the black hole that was Jiyong. He blinks bleary eyes open quickly to find his whole body tingling and cum all over himself and underneath him.

Everything ached and if he wasn’t mistaken he could feel warm cum running down the small of his back and down his legs. Seungri shifted to sit on the couch and winced, instead moving to lay on his side. Jiyong stared back at him from a black chair near the sound board a satisfied grin on his face.

“Did you learn your lesson maknae?”

All Seungri could manage was a weak nod. Jiyong flashed him a gummy smile and pulled out a towel from within his bag, tossing it nonchalantly at Seungri. “Good, now clean yourself up, we have your scolding from Hyunsuk to attend and my album release party to go too.” His hand weakly caught the thrown towel and as he wiped himself off he could see Jiyong typing away at his phone and he faintly recalls doing the exact same thing after his little rendezvous with the Japanese girl. He’d remember next time to make sure that whoever he slept with didn’t have a camera phone.

Red Eyes Suit So Few - Seungri/CL

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:35:00 -0700

Title: Red Eyes Suit So Few
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Seungri/CL
Length: 2428
Summary: Batman never really could get with Catwoman anyway
Warnings: Drugs, sexual situations (not too explicit), all that good stuff.
Notes: This turned out a loooot differently than I had intended. Heavily inspired by the songs You and Tequila, Wide Awake, Just Tonight, and The Harold Song. And 100 points for whoever knows where the title came from.

Remix for Seungri Fic Fest, Prompt: Ri meets Catwoman during a masquerade party.

The Cheshire shape of her mouth caught his eye first. Lip gloss clung to the rosy set that his eyes stayed glued to. He looked away when he felt the deep colored eyes flash his way. Sweat trickled down his back slow. Everything was hazy, the dim light of the club they were in for the night, the smoke drifting upwards from Jiyong and Seunghyun’s always lit cigarettes, the amber of the liquor that stung his throat as he drank, it was all a blur and fuzzy in his mind. His eyes never stayed on anything too long. The one thing that was focused, sharp, within the packed and suffocating place were her lips, and the light trill of her laugh, the hair that swept behind her back, the short manicured nails now holding a glass. She was too in focus while he was too out.

Sweat trickled down his forehead, the Batman suit he thought was perfect a month ago now hugged him too tight. Maybe Jiyong was right he wasn’t meant to be Batman but Robin at least that’s what he thought as he stood in the dark corner trying to get some air for himself.

Her eyes peered from behind the dark black mask, just as dark black eyes somehow gleaming even in the dim light, turned to him. The cat suit hugged her figure tightly, his eyes catching on the sharp hip bone sticking out. It was just as cutting as the eyes that pierced his for a split second. Break ups were brutal. Apparently faked friendships were worse.

He was sure if he stood close enough he would hear the crinkle of the leather as she moved. But he wouldn’t get too close being in the same room was already dangerous enough. He was usually the life of the party entertaining and flirting with all who looked his way but tonight he just couldn’t. So he stood awkwardly to the side watching as the club whirled around him a mash of color and sweat and the sour sweetness of liquor. He tugged at the collar of his costume dodging a strangely looking Phantom of the Opera.

The mask appeared ghastly in the dim darkness the face behind the white porcelain appearing deformed on the side that showed. He shook his head, instantly revealing Jiyong’s perfect cheekbone. Maybe he had been staring too long or something in his eyes told Jiyong he needed air because a strong grip on his arm lead him toward the back. Jiyong didn’t say anything and Seungri didn’t ask why but suddenly a cigarette and a lighter were shoved into his hand as he was pushed past more masks of feathers, and jewels, and bobbles to hide behind.

His eyes glanced around the alley, a slutty Wonder Woman gasped against the brick as a not so innocent clown pressed against her. His eyes skirted the scene as he walked in the opposite direction getting far enough away so he couldn’t hear anything. The club’s bass vibrated into his back as he leaned against the brick wall deftly bringing the cigarette to his lips. He’d somehow picked up the nasty habit from Seunghyun and Jiyong, perfect role models, the scoff that escaped his lips was full of irony. The smoke that now filled his lungs was a far cry from the fresh air he had been needing but it filled the craving that had started while he stood in the mix of bodies. Unconsciously his fingers twitched against the wall, nails digging into brick and pulling up a myriad of caked on dirt and grime.

The beat of the song coupled with the haze of smoke from the cigarette lulled him into a dream-like state. Suddenly the back door burst open, red strobe lights flickering out and making the smoke around him bleed red. He had to squint as the dark silhouette stepped forward; heels hit the litter stained street louder than the music that poured from the club. It was like the crack of a whip or the pounding of his heart he couldn’t tell the difference. The cigarette suddenly scorched his skin as it burned down to a stub; he flicked it away barely feeling the pain or sting in his finger tips.

Red gleamed off of dark eyes and he stood for a moment frozen. If he were an animal he would think himself to be a bird and the eyes now staring into his to be those of a snake, so poisonously beautiful, but just as wickedly dangerous. She was the first to move and he realized he hadn’t been breathing as he let out a shallow breath. The cat suit now squeezing her body looked just as amazing on her as it did a month ago complimented by longer than normal black nails that seemed sharper than he remembered.

——————————-

“Fuuuck…” he hissed out as he felt nails sink into his skin, his skin rising to show five perfect red marks along his back. His shirt was tossed haphazardly to the floor as a lithe frame pressed him back farther into the full length mirror. He was one for thrilling situations and sex in a dressing room certainly topped that list. He gripped slim hips leather covered hips. He had to admit Chaerin did make the perfect Catwoman deadly and agile and too cunning for her own good. The smirk alighting her face was also perfect for hunting prey. So far he didn’t mind being the prey, not with her slim little leg wrapping around his waist and her hands yanking desperately at his jeans. He fell back as he stepped on a fallen tinker bell skirt and heard a light laughter; he held the shaking Catwoman against him and found himself laughing too. Unable to stop himself he leaned forward and planted a not smooth or sexy kiss to her open laughing mouth. It might have very well be the worst kiss he had ever given or received.

It was probably because he lacked the ability to know when the “right moment” to kiss was or because he just wanted to kiss her laugh (even though he knew that was impossible). The motion only made him kiss her teeth leading her to double over in laughter once more. This time she rocked forward just as he was leaning to kiss her again at the wrong moment. The resounding crack of their foreheads hitting had him reeling back in pain his hand flying to his head and subsequently knocking over her bright red and gaudy Gucci purse. He could care less about the crash of makeup and god knows what else spilling from the deep recesses of the bag. His eyes were watering fast and he was trying so hard to bring the sexual tension back but the moment was long gone as she hissed through her teeth in pain, all pleasure gone.

“You idiot” her perfect hand came and smacked him upside the head only making the headache now forming worse. She stood up from his lap still clutching her head and began reaching for her spilled purse contents. Seungri tried to repair the damage and get on her good side again by reaching to hand her objects. Mascara, phone, wallet…his fingers slipped around a small quarter sized packet filled with white powder. He barely had it in his hand before it was snatched away and placed back into the overflowing bag.

Their eyes locked for the briefest of seconds and he looked away first, he always did.

“Chaerin what is that?” He already knew what it was.

“Can you get out I need to change.” She was evasive her tone implying no more questions but like she had said he was an idiot.

“Chaerin don’t fucking change the subject. What the hell was that? When did you start doing drugs?!” Keen dark eyes rolled in his direction as a scoff fell from thin lips.

“Idiot just forget about it okay? It’s not a big deal.” His look must have been enough for her to realize it wasn’t something he would forget. “Look I just use it every now and then to take off the edge. You smoke it’s the same thing.”

“Chaerin it is not the same thing.” His voice was low and whispered, hissed out like their pain before. “You’ve got to stop this. What if YG found out?! What if the media finds out!?” Her look was withering as she ripped off her cat suit and threw on her skinny’s and blackjack t-shirt.

“Well they aren’t going to find out because you aren’t going to say anything.” With the last spat out she wrenched open the door and stalked out to buy her perfect cat suit.

———————————-

His fingers itched for her. His skin craved her. Their fight had gone on long enough. With a pearl shaped cat ring tucked away into his pocket he slipped into her dorm. He had never been one for ignoring. But he had learned long ago Chaerin could go weeks without uttering a single word to him, caution while on her battleground meant learning to weave into her good graces again, and appeasing a cat woman was harder than he had thought and after a few deep scratches he’d learnt his lesson.

The smell of lavender drifted towards him leading him to her room. He didn’t care where the other girls were or that Dara didn’t greet him with a usual sly grin or that Minji didn’t jab him in the side on the way to Chaerin’s room. If they were out it was all the better for him. He didn’t knock, privacy was never a policy in any of his relationships romantic or not, he saw candles lit her light purple room, the flickering of the light etching fire into her skin as he watched her hunched over at her desk, a white powder slipping into her tiny tipped nose. He didn’t know if she registered him being there but by the way the bottle of wine fell from his hand and crashed to the floor he realized she must have now. Her eyes were unfocused and hazy as they widened and looked at his. Powder dusted the edge of her nose and he could see a faint trail of dried blood on one side.

“Chaerin what the hell!?” He reached for her wrist and turned her toward him. She gaped at him mouth slack as she tried to form words. And then she was pushing him back nails digging into his chest and mouth sharp on his neck. She was still lithe, still swift and self-assured, and it felt so good. She was touching him again and he was soaking it up. It didn’t take long for her to have his pants unzipped and her mouth around him, her cat-like tongue working magic and sending shivers throughout his body.

He opened his eyes everything blurring at the edges, his own mind a haze and dull. His tongue was too heavy for him to speak. The light shimmered off of her mouth and her eyes were red now, the powder clinging to her skin. And then he was pushing her away, her butt hitting the floor with a thud. His breathing was heavy as he looked down at her, she didn’t seem to register that he had slipped out from under her, that her prey had gotten away. He was shaking, he didn’t know whether out of anger or fear or both but he ran, out of the spinning room and away from her.

————————————-

She had become as much a drug for him as the powder was for her. And as he glanced at her now he noticed the way the black was chipped off her nails, her manicure was uneven and old, the skin tight cat suit hugged an even skinnier frame than before, not really clinging to hips but falling against them baggy. Her eyes weren’t shimmering black anymore but a dull matt color. Her heels still reverberated in his mind and as she stood before him she was as much a hunter as ever.

But he knew what she was before, knew that she used to stalk and slink like the wild tigers, she was just as wild and fierce as they were. Here, now though, she looked like a caged tiger. Pacing back and forth and waiting for the moment to spring free. Tigers once wild but caged lived the saddest lives, for they knew what wild air tasted like. And she was just as trapped as they; her eyes spoke of the wild just as her body shook from her cage.

She stepped forward reaching for him, frail bony hand grabbing at his costume, and he was right, he heard the faint crinkle of leather against leather. His arms encircled her and she pressed against him her light tinkling laughter filling his ears and shaking against him. And laughter turned to sobs, as weak and soft as she felt in his arms, he could do nothing but stroke her hair and coo gently at her. Just as quickly as she had come to him, she slipped away, fixing her mask and righting his. Her eyes were on his and then her lips were too. It was soft and faint and barely there but it was enough of a hit for him –it wasn’t enough– and she smiled then.

He was never good at timing so when he leaned forward and clanked lips against hers she wasn’t expecting it. She didn’t expect the desperate clutch to her waist either but neither did he. Nails dug into him again, so familiar, but so different. It was different and the same and everything he craved and everything he didn’t need any more. And he pulled away first, this time for the very first time. Her eyes had grown hazy and her lips slack, the red light pouring from the club danced off the black leather, off her eyes, they were as red as they had ever been and she was as feral as she would ever get. Addictions were funny things, sometimes one more hit was never enough and sometimes it was. He pulled her hands from his shirt giving her a look, it wasn’t one of pity, or sadness, or even love, he didn’t have anything left to give after being burned out. He didn’t look back as he walked away and slipped back into the mess of covered bodies hiding behind masks.

This is the Game We Play - CL/Seungri - Part 1

Wed, 30 May 2012 00:50:00 -0700

Pairing: CL/Seungri
Rating: M
Genre: It’s kinda just PWP
Summary: And let the games begin

Cat and dog that was what their relationship came down to. And it was like cat and dog all nails and teeth. She couldn’t tell where the fighting ended and the relationship began. She didn’t even know if it could be labeled a relationship. A rivalry? Friendship? Business partners? Either way, she mulled over the fact of being the dog or cat.

She was willing to be a cat as long as Seungri was a Chihuahua. Her eyes wandered across the table to stare at the infuriating face of the boy who was a panda, that was a dog, who she thought was an ass. He of course was oblivious to his own asinine ways and so flirted with her maknae. She wasn’t worried about Minzy though, they talked enough for her to know what Seungri was, an ass, a playboy, and could not be trusted. At any cost. Chaerin had to admit he was charming in a stupid, infuriating way. And she did love to push his buttons. Standing she stalked over, her heels hitting the floor with a resounding, crack, crack, crack. Her lips curved into a satisfied smile, she saw his shoulders tense and his lips still, and when she slid her hand onto his shoulder giving it a less than nice squeeze she heard the audible gasp.

“Oppa” her voice was sticky sweet, a trap. “Don’t bother Minzy-ah she doesn’t need to be influenced by you.” Minzy’s eyes shot over to her face only feigning obliviousness and innocence. “Minzy can you get me a drink please? Actually go get something to eat I’ll be down in a minute, I have to take care of some things.”

Minzy’s smile was bright as she stood and slipt out of the room. Chaerin’s hand was still on Seungri’s shoulder, her grip still tight, bending her mouth to rest just at the curve of his ear, she whispered. This was their game. She always bated him and he always responded likewise, “Seungri-ah you’re too dirty for little Minzy.” He was still tense under her manicured hands but he blinked up at her, his face unusually guarded.

“She isn’t as innocent as you think.”

Chaerin for once was at a loss for words. Seungri didn’t illuminate on his statement and Chaerin couldn’t think of the right question to ask. How would he know is one of the one’s she wanted to though. But he was standing, his fingers curling to wrap around her waist, the dark underside of his eyes catching her gaze. They were darker than normal she thought. Her mouth turned downward; he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Parting her lips to speak, her feet shifting her away from his hands, she felt something wasn’t right. Where was his snarky comeback? Where was the game she loved playing? And then his mouth was on hers and it became like cat and dog again. All nails and teeth and again she couldn’t tell if they were fighting or kissing.

It didn’t matter though because it was everything she craved. His hands were ripping at her blouse while her fingers clawed down his back. It wasn’t sweet or gentle that’s not what they were. He scorched her skin and she wondered that if she looked where he touched whether blisters would be in the shape of a perfect handprint. Could someone die from being burned by touch? If so she was willing.

Before she knew her skirt was hitched up to her torso and her blouse was long gone. His mouth seemed to devour her flesh, his tongue skimming across soft breasts and releasing moans from her lips. She wouldn’t let him control her though, she had already unbuckled his too tight skinny jeans and snaked her petite hand down his pants. The grasp to his erection over boxers wasn’t graceful or gentle. But neither was his mouth on her neck. She hissed through her teeth in sharp warning. Bruises were well and good if they were hidden that is. He had her pinned against the table now, her ass pressed half on the table and half off. This was usually accompanied by sharp retorts from both but this time it was all done in heated and hurried silence.

Her fingers finally slipped under his boxers and grasped his length and by the way he curled inward she realized he’d been waiting for this. His own fingers slipped past her black lace panties and found her sweet spot easily. They knew what the other liked, she knew with the right twist of her wrist and the curl of her palm over his head that she’d have him gasping and clutching for something to hold onto, usually her, and he knew that with the second insert of a finger and the press of his own palm to her clit he’d have her writhing under him.

This was easy for them, teeth, lips, fingers, all of it was easy. And when they both came gasping, her first with the cry of his name on her lips and shuddering around his fingers, and him bucking his hips up into her squeezed fist while biting onto her neck and leaving a bruise that she’d hate later, that was easy too. It was after the panting and the shuffling and fumbling around, with the awkward silence and too thick tension, that she realized it wasn’t going to be easy anymore. Maybe in the way he cast her a furtive glance before looking away when her eyes met his, or the way he held out her blouse for her, that she realized, somehow, it had changed. She fixed her hair and resettled her bra before grabbing her bag. Flicking her eyes back toward him once more she couldn’t help but think he looked like a lost puppy. But she was neither his owner nor wanted to be. She strutted out with all the grace of a cat, proud, with her head held high, not worried about what a stray dog would do or caring. She had other things to do than worry about a Panda boy who had forgotten the first rule of their cat dog relationship. The dog should never fall for the cat.

Bruises and Hugs - GD/Seungri

Sat, 19 May 2012 22:55:00 -0700

Pairing: Gri (main) – Gtop (side)
Rating: R – for scenes of abuse
Genre: Angst
Summary: I’ll hug you until you break

A/N: This is another crack at me writing in first person. First time writing close to 2000 words in a long time ;; that makes me happy lol. I should be working on my fic mix work u_u I’ll get to that soon.

I see the bruises even though you’ve covered them in makeup. They’re faint but I see them, a deep blue and dark black with a hint of bright yellow. I wonder if everyone else does too and whether they ignore it like I do.

I also see the strain in your eyes, the way you wince today, the sharp intake of breath when I hug you, not tightly, but still too tight. Do they see it? Do you see that I see? That I know? Do you blame me? Hate me? Because I do.

My fingers brush against your wrist and you pull back. I tell you to stop and I see the flash of fear and too quick memories. Hyung I’m not like that. Don’t you know that?

I curl my fingers in yours and squeeze. The only way I can tell you that I know. That I’m here. That I love you. And your smile appears easily like most days and you tell me to knock it off and get back to work. And I do. I listen to you and by the end of practice we’re both sweating and tired. Laughter is on your face and for the first time in months I don’t see the strain or fear in your eyes and you look so beautiful.

I can’t help the catch of my breath or the even faster pounding of my heart. And I almost stop myself, I will myself to stop, but I can’t, and I have my arms around you and we’re hugging and smiling and laughing. And you’re relaxed in my arms and it’s like it was at the beginning before you fell in love with that tight grip and bruises on your skin. I’m hugging you because I never want to let you go. And maybe I’m hugging a little too tightly because you gasp and try to pull away but I don’t let you and our lips meet, no, crash together. It’s so forceful and hard but I’m gentle with you because I know. You are fragile, breakable, I know this, that you aren’t invincible G-Dragon and that you feel the blows when they rain down on you.

And the kiss is everything I want to say and do for you but am too scared to. I can’t help when I start crying and the tears blend into our kiss. But you take them like you take the black eyes, in silence. Your lips are so soft on mine and I don’t mind the taste of my tears anymore because I know I’m crying for us both. I can’t tell who’s doing the holding anymore because somehow we both ended up on the floor with limbs tangled and foreheads pressed close together. And I’m breathing you in and you’re stealing my air and this is how it should be. How it should have been this whole time. But some of the makeup has wiped from around your jaw and I can see the faint outline of a handprint and you move away from me when I try to trace my finger along it.

You stand up and fix your clothes like nothing happen. You’re used to doing that aren’t you? Fixing your makeup and making sure your lips don’t look too swollen. But I’m not like him. I plead silently with you, to come back, to kiss me, to run away. You can’t though. I read it in the way your body moves to grab your bag and the smile you flash my way. It’s that easy smile again. The one you give to everyone who tries to look too long at you.

They don’t see it though, I scream in my mind. They don’t see him grab a hold of your arm and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeze until almost breaking or the way you strain so hard to keep your smile for the cameras. They haven’t hidden behind walls and heard the slap of hand on soft skin, cracking and splitting such pretty lips.

But I see it and I watch as you walk away and out the door smiling but not really. And by the time I chase after you, finally finding courage to bring you back to me, you are already gone and I’m a coward. I don’t go after you anymore. I watch you in practice, watch way you struggle. There’s a bruise peeking out at your collarbone. I wonder if you were just too tired to cover it or he wanted to see it as you moved. Because I see him watching you now, analyzing, calculating, waiting. He’s the predator. And you’ve never really been prey but he wants to make you one.

I can’t stop myself from glaring at him. For hating him for everything he does and has done. But I can’t stop him and maybe you don’t want me to. I remember when you told me you loved him. We were curled up on my bed and I could feel your breath on my cheek. It was before the games he played and the hands he laid on you. You spouted off a list of things you liked, like his lips, the way his hair brushed against your skin as he kissed you, the deep set of his eyes, and the way he whispered things while in bed. You said you especially liked the way he held you, my arms were around you during these times and I could never help it when I squeezed you closer, because you loved him and I loved you.

You still loved him, even if his love amounted to pain and fright that would never leave your eyes. And I had never stopped loving you. You’re tired now and we’ve barely been practicing. You’re always tired now. Maybe from the hits or maybe because you can’t stop loving him? Or that could just be my false hope, that you want to get away but can’t. You don’t fight back though. You never do and I wonder why. What happened to my strong hyung? The one who could stand against anything? What did he do to you?

I move to help you as you crouch down panting harder then you should be. I think you have a broken rib but you don’t show your pain on your face. I touch your face gently wiping at the sweat. You give me a smile laced with pain. And then he’s over you, a hand under your arm, and you stand up shaking. I watch you glance at him but he’s staring at me. His blue haired head is tilted and a smile that doesn’t belong there is flashing at me but I don’t miss the imperceptible grip he gives to your arm or the too quiet intake of your breath. You want to wince but you only smile at me and then he’s leading you out. But I call after you my smile shaky, my breathing too shallow for the moment; I try to tell you with my eyes that I’m going to save you. I’m not going to be a coward this time. I will save you for once. Sometimes the hyung needs his dongsaeng right ? You only smile back and I can’t help but notice that it’s the first smile I’ve seen in a long time that reaches your eyes. But I can also see the small shake of your head telling me you’re fine, that you want this; that the bruises are worth it.

You leave and I think that this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. You aren’t supposed to love him. You aren’t supposed to go with him. You aren’t supposed to have bruises. I can’t stand it anymore. I follow after you. But I don’t know where you are and I’m blindly searching, I need to find you, it’s almost a gut wrenching urge. Panic is in my throat and my heart is going wild. Where are you?

I don’t care what happens to me as I drive recklessly. And I’m running up steps and pushing open a half open door. I see the slew of glass and furniture around. He got angry. And I’m searching blindly through the dorm, past the tilted chair too far across the room to have been tipped, past the bottles of now empty vodka, to a bedroom door that is half closed. My fingers push it away quickly and I almost don’t know what I’m seeing.

You’re hunched over on the floor, so small, so bruised, so broken. And I have you in my arms now, rocking back and forth, as you try to look at me through swollen black eyes no amount of makeup could cover. I wipe off the blood on your lips but there is so much blood in your mouth now it’s useless. I’m crying now. And I think you finally are too. You’ve always been crying though, haven’t you? Alone, in the dark, with fear and wounds worse than just physical pain. I have to stop crying now because you’re trying to speak but only blood comes out. I know it hurts you to be in my arms but you clutch weakly at me and I can’t stop hugging anyway. I’m hugging you, and the blood, and the bruises, and everything that I love in the world. It’s all in my arms and you finally whisper out that you’re free now, that you aren’t afraid, and that you were never afraid when I held you. I can’t stop my sobs now. Because he finally broke you beyond repair and I can’t save you. So I just hug you, it’s all I can do, all I was ever able to do.

And a Muse for You - GD/Seungri

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 22:01:00 -0700

Summary: Muses are hard to come by.

Pairing: Gri

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

A/N: Every time I see Jiyong’s She’s Gone mv I think of Edward Scissorhands…the hair reminds me of Edward, lol. It’s weird and idk what I’m saying. And there’s a reason I don’t write in first person lol.

Kwon Jiyong is a musical genius. I know that, the whole world knows that, but Kwon Jiyong has lost his muse, not a single drop of ink to paper has been made, no flowing lyrics dropped from his brain like rain, no melodies blowing soft and slow behind his, now always, closed door. The dorm is eerily silent, has been for awhile, ever since I stopped loving Kwon Jiyong.

Was I his muse? Maybe, but even that’s too much to hope for. Were all those love songs for me? I would like to think not, but Jiyong always said they were.

“Panda listen to this I wrote it for you”

“No you didn’t Ji”

“Yes I did. Don’t you hear your name within the lyrics?”

“All I hear is your voice and the music.”

“I’m saying I love you as I sing”

And he would smile at me, too wide, too gummy, too much. And the song would just be a forgotten I love you with a roll of my eyes.

Maybe if I had listened just a little more, a little longer, I would have noticed, noticed the slow decline of his pen to paper and the light lilt in his voice that filled the dorms, but I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice the hollow glare that made hairs rise on the back of my neck whenever I curled my hands around Seunghyun hyung’s. I didn’t see the clench of fist and jaw as I leaned in a little too long in Seunghyun’s hug. And I didn’t notice a heart break as I kissed the soft lips of a hyung that didn’t write me love songs.

But I didn’t want love songs. I wanted the arms of my eldest hyung. And maybe if I had listened just a little more I could have heard my name in those songs in the dead of night, whispered by a man without a muse.

I should have remembered that Shakespeare guys line, “love is blind.” If I wasn’t blinded by love for the hyung with the smoky eyes, Kwon Jiyong wouldn’t have been blinded by love for me. I would have noticed that the silence was cutting now, the pen a weapon, and his love deadly.

Looking back at it now I should have known but standing here seeing Jiyong’s too red hands, too wild eyes and too high voice it was too late for it all.

“Ji…what did you do?”

“I made it so you can love me. You love me Seungri, don’t you?”

In retrospect shaking my head no might not have been the best idea but neither was falling in love with the wrong hyung.

“Hyung why are your hands red?” The manic smile now plastered on Jiyong’s lips haunted me much like the hauntingly beautiful melody now spilling from his lips.

“I’m serious, I’m attached to you

Are you saying I’m crazy, you didn’t know? I’m stubborn

It’s sadder that my only sin is loving you”

“I wrote it for you Seungri don’t you like it?” I watched him step toward me; it was like a surreal dream, colors bled together, my vision seemed to focus only on him as I froze, his hand reaching toward me. The light of the TV illuminating the wet liquid that seemed to cling to his skin. It was red. It looked like blood. But Jiyong wasn’t bleeding, it couldn’t be blood. I watched him come toward me my eyes widening. I couldn’t move let alone breathe. His hand covered in that sticky wetness came up and cupped my face. My flinch was immediate and so was the look that flashed through his eyes. I looked after Jiyong in fear as he stalked off to his room.

Love was blind but now I could finally see.

Jiyong had gotten his muse back.

Littered on the floor of his room were sheets of musical paper. They were covered in lyrics, a bright red ink, my eyes flashed over the red that pooled in the middle of the floor; papers were placed on top soaking up the very ink that had been used to write Jiyong’s best song. He began singing again as I stepped inside his room, a sheet of paper sticking to the bottom of my shoe, I pulled it off and tried to read the rest of the lyrics but the ink was smeared.

I’m serious, I’m attached to you

And Jiyong kept singing that damn song. I wanted him to stop. I covered my ears to rid it from my mind but it was there seeping into my skin like the ink on the floor seeped into my shoes, the ink was warm, why was it warm? I looked toward Jiyong. His eyes were bright and they reflected the pools of ink on the floor, a bright red, crimson, it seemed to burn in his eyes, burn into me. I felt the heat of his gaze. His smile was a crack on his face, broken and twisted but still beautiful. He never stopped singing his song the words drifting toward me filling in the silence that once was there. And I heard my name in his song finally. I heard the, I love you and the never let you go.

Are you saying I’m crazy, you didn’t know?

His hand was carved from the ink on the floor. The knife appeared in his hand, no it shimmered to the surface of his skin, the knife was him. It was sharp and marked with the bright red ink. His eyes were smoky now, I noticed, black and smoky and filled with the ink as well. It was flowing from him. I couldn’t hear anything besides his song, my song. And all I could see were his eyes, and his ink, and the way the it dripped from his hand and smeared on my cheek warm, and entirely too hot. And I didn’t move when he leaned forward and stained my lips with the ink and the lyrics that were forever on his mouth. And I couldn’t see past the look in his eyes or his vice like grip on me or his lyrics floating on the fiery air, not toward the dull eyes of another, now ashy eyed person. I couldn’t see no, but I knew. A muse comes at a cost. The knife was sharper than I thought. And love is blind for a reason.

It’s sadder that my only sin is loving you

Of Hairclips and Dragonflies - GD/Top

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 02:15:00 -0700

Pairing: GTop
Rating: G
Genre: Crack (omg it’s not even funny /sob)
Summary: weave, hairclips, and dragonflies.
A/N: Based off an rp (role-play) I had with someone. 1st in the Of __ series.

Off, on, off, on, his thumb kept flicking over his phone’s power button. Seunghyun should have called, at the very least, texted him by now. He hated waiting. He knew Seunghyun wasn’t necessarily punctual but it had been an hour already. With a sigh he shoved his phone into his pocket; he wouldn’t be the one to text first or wait like a fucking teenager for his message. Jiyong had no idea why he was getting so upset about it anyway.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t ever fought before they often got into little spats whenever Seunghyun or he got more than a little drunk. But this time it wasn’t his fault, although more often than not it was, Seunghyun had gotten trashed, unusual since he was known for, and could, hold his liquor, and had just been a fucking idiot the whole night. Even thinking about it now pissed him off, at the club Seunghyun had been all over everyone, his drunken sloppy hands grabbing at girls and guys and just everything with two legs.

It didn’t help that he kept dancing (falling) back to Jiyong and pressing wet, sloppy kisses to his cheeks and neck while murmuring slurred, sweet nothings, well in Jiyong’s opinion cheesy, stupid quotes he found on all the fortune cookies he got from ordering Chinese way too much. Jiyong of course had to keep shoving him off, the longer it went on the more his mood worsened until he had pulled him roughly aside to yell at the blumbering idiot. He couldn’t remember all he said, something about his tarnishing his and Bigbang’s reputation, being an example for the maknae, Hyunsuk’s scolding that would come from this, because Jiyong was definitely going to tell him, and finally for his stupid improper skinship with Jiyong. And all the big buffoon did after Jiyong had basically raged at him was lean in with his stupid drunken grin, and his whiskey covered breath to kiss his consternated pout. He of course had pushed Seunghyun away and let him fall flat on his ass.

Even thinking about it now made him itch to smack Seunghyun again. He had stormed off but not before telling him to call him with a groveling apology, and he expected an expensive gift along with that apology, after he stopped being such a sloppy drunk. He didn’t even glance back as he stalked out, although all he’d probably see is that irritating confused look Seunghyun gave during his scolding. Suddenly his pocket buzzed sending vibrations down his leg. He glared ahead crossing his arms. He wanted to make Seunghyun suffer and that meant the silent treatment was due. But his fingers moved of their own volition, to his horror, and grabbed his phone to look at the messages.

His eyes grew in anger it wasn’t even an apology but a drunken photo of Seunghyun’s stupid face or half his face, he was so stupid, stupid, stupid! The picture was blurry and crooked he could hardly tell what was going on. He threw his phone across the seat anger simmering at the surface. He would make sure he made Seunghyun’s life a living hell in the morning, he had no idea the kind of painful hang over he would experience.

He pushed his door open once he reached his place, hesitating before grabbing his phone, again he didn’t know why he was taking it with him, but he shouldn’t leave his phone in case someone else needed to get in touch with him, as long as it wasn’t Seunghyun he was fine. All he really needed right now was his bed and maybe Gaho to cuddle with other then that he wouldn’t dwell on what the drunken fool was doing. Climbing up the stairs and punching in his key card he flicked on the lights, met with a wagging Gaho, and another buzz to his phone. His hand clenched around the phone tossing it to the couch. He filled up Gaho’s bowl and shuffled to his room suddenly drained. He couldn’t give a fuck anymore. He heard his phone vibrate again, with a groan he walked back to get the damn thing, it would continue to vibrate until he looked at the message. He was just about to delete the message when he glanced at the photo sent to him. His eyebrows knit into confusion, it looked like Seunghyun, and a pretty blonde were in a cab.

He was more than furious at this point. Walking to his room he grabbed a picture of Seunghyun and him and ripped a hole where Seunghyun’s dick would be, snapping a quick photo he sent it to him with a quick caption accompanying it.

Ji Yong Kwon: That’s you when I see you next

The reply was quick to come and he almost bit off his tongue at the reply or in this case the picture. All he saw was the blonde with her hands in his hair braiding it. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Jiyong hadn’t remembered their conversation from earlier.

“Ji did your weave get longer?” Seunghyun trained his eyes on his now purple weave hanging down his face. The color was beautiful but the thing sure hurt like hell. He twisted his neck and looked back with a slight groan in his voice.

“Yeah. This is as long as it’s going to get though…I kind of wish I could braid it or something. It keeps flying in my face whenever it’s windy out.” He watched Seunghyun’s face scrunch in a look of consternation and thought. He could literally see the gears in his head working which only made Jiyong laugh.

“Let me braid it.” And now it was Jiyong’s turn to look at him in consternation and thought. Did Seunghyun even know how to braid hair? The thought of the blue haired man and his too big hands trying to braid his delicate weave was frightening but entertaining.

“Do you even know how?” Seunghyun’s face went blank and Jiyong couldn’t help but laugh. He patted the other’s arm lightly with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just get some hair clips or something and pin it up.”

Jiyong had walked away forgetting the comical conversation, until now. He had no clue why but he felt his anger boil over. If he got his hands on Seunghyun he’d strangle him with his weave without a question. Yeah see how well he braids it then. Instead, to tide himself over until he could, he grabbed one of Seunghyun’s stupid bearbricks that he forgot to take back to his villa the last time they went shopping together, and tried to yank off the head. Realizing he wasn’t quite that strong he opted to play with Gaho for a bit. Once he was thoroughly pleased with the chunks of bearbrick on his floor and slobber on the remaining pieces he snapped a photo and sent it without another thought.

This time he walked happily to his room, letting Gaho enjoy the rest of his toy, and crawled into bed with a sigh. Laying back he waited for the apology that he thought was sure to come. Instead he got a picture of a small, blue, and what looked like a dragonfly made of metal with a large plastic jewel atop the head, hairclip. He looked at it in confusion. What in the hell? Another picture was soon to follow, it was blurry but he could see the goofy smile, mussed up blue hair, and red rimmed eyes of a very drunken Seunghyun. He really didn’t know what Seunghyun wanted so he sent a simple question mark as a reply. Again a picture came this time it was Seunghyun, the small dragonfly hairclip, that he could definitely tell came from a kids fifty cent machine and he wondered how in the hell he even found one, nestled atop the fuzzy blue of his hair. Seunghyun’s face was smashed against the pillow now as he smiled at him drunkenly in the photo, Jiyong could tell the blonde from earlier was gone, and that Seunghyun was nestled in bed like he was. For some unexplainable reason unknown to him he wanted that hairclip. And he wondered if Seunghyun had gotten it because he remembered the conversation from earlier but Jiyong frowned, he highly doubted it and even if he did get it for him Jiyong would not forgive him. After all Seunghyun was supposed to be groveling and buying him expensive things. Not some cheap plastic ass hairclip. The last message came, Seunghyun was looking at the camera blowing a kiss, the hairclip hanging precariously from his hair, he had obviously hurriedly thrown up because Jiyong could see a bit of throw up on the side of his face, he wrinkled his nose in disgust and despite himself began laughing a grin spreading slowly on his face.

Choi Seunghyun: i gots it for u i lurned how to braid today i want to braid yur hair laterrr.

He shook his head burying his face into his pillow. God he hated Seunghyun so much in that moment. With a groan he typed back slowly.

Kwon Jiyong: Don’t think I’ve forgiven you quite yet…ass.

The reply was quick like all the others but this one he saved, not like he wouldn’t save the others either blackmail would come in handy for later, but he looked back a big stupid grin on his face from the big stupid idiot who now had his eyes closed, the hairclip hanging down over one of his eyes, the other closed as he grinned probably already asleep after this message.

Choi Seunghyun: love u dragonfly <3

Complicatedly Simple - Daesung/Seungri

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 05:14:00 -0700

Summary: things are complicated

Rating: G

Genre: Angst

A/n: so this is so not what I should be working on but enjoy anyway. Shift tense and errors abound I think lol.

Complicated, everything was complicated. Complicated like Seungri flirting with the interviewer and Daesung sitting there his mouth growing tighter and thinner. Complicated like the quick stolen kiss alone, when the dorms were quiet and the fear of members coming back were gone. Complicated like the tense set of Seungri’s shoulders at Jiyong’s hand on his back and the quick sharp look from Daesung shot his way at the wrong words or phrasing he just said.

Everything was complicated. But it was a complicated he wanted to live with. His eyes darted to Daesung’s across the room. He would sneak into his room later tonight, slip beside Daesung’s back and curl into the warm body. Daesung would kiss him slow and sweet, but Seungri would dig his fingers into his sides begging for more and in the morning, even before Youngbae woke up, Seungri would untangle himself from the too hot bed, pull his clothes from the floor and stumble back to his room, back to his cold sheets and curl around a stolen Doreamon pillow, to sleep again, the plushie with just a hint of Daesung’s soft musk, not overpowering, not too much. Because things were complicated and he couldn’t have more than was necessary.

But one night was suddenly different, Daesung’s door was locked. His soft knock keeping what was necessary for him, from him, behind the door. He shuffled back to his too cold bed and curled himself around the Doreamon plushie breathing in the familiar scent. Wondering why and when. When had things become too complicated?

Maybe things had become too complicated when Daesung had looked at him a certain way one day. The awkwardness still there, despite their intimate note appearance, or maybe that look was always there but Seungri never took the time to notice it. Or he had noticed it and ignored it.

Had it become too complicated when they had found themselves alone in the dorms one day, sitting idly around, getting use to the fact that despite how much either of them tried, something would keep them from breaking the silence that many had viewed as awkward and uncomfortable, but really was something that both found comfort and content in.

Could it have gotten complicated when Seungri had found one of Dae’s Doreamon plushies lying around and instead of returning it to its rightful owner he snuck it away, unsure why, but finding the scent and bulk of it comforting when he found himself alone at night with his own complicated thoughts.

Ah, he thought to himself, it must have gotten complicated when the comforting scent had worn off and he went in search of the source late one night. When he had crawled into a too small bed for two bodies, and curled around a surprised and sleepily delirious Daesung. But neither of them questioned how complicated it was when he snuck in every night from then on and snuggled close to the too warm body, the too heady scent, and the too fast flutter of his heart.

Oh, that’s not it. It must have gotten complicated when they lay in bed one day, lazily, enjoying the soft pitpat of rain on the roof, and the elation of a sudden day off. And the soft breathing of Dae intermingling with his own, as he watched the laughter alight on the others face, sending that too familiar tingling throughout his body. It had gotten complicated when the dusky darkness in Dae’s room made Seungri lean in a little too close, wanting to hear his frustratingly too quiet voice sometimes, to see those unnervingly calm brown eyes, and then he couldn’t remember why he leaned in or what it was he wanted to hear because Daesung’s lips were so soft and his body was so warm against his. And that scent filled his nose, and that warmth covered him, and maybe that’s when it had gotten too complicated.

So yes, it was complicated now that Seungri lay there, alone, with the Doreamon plush that didn’t quite satisfy with its scent, because it paled in comparison to the real thing. Sleep was hard to find now that he didn’t have a frustratingly (beautifully) soft voice singing in his ear. Morning was harder to face without the unnervingly (captivatingly) brown eyes to greet him. And the tingling (ache) became a little more insistent. Seungri was left to wait, maybe or he hoped, if he stuck around a little while longer, Dae would realize he didn’t like sleeping alone and things weren’t as complicated as they both thought.

your ToDae fanfic, Speak.. woww.. just woww.. i'm just blown away! the cliffhanger and just the general setting. i hope you'll post the next one soon! :3

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:06:17 -0700

I already have some of it written. ^^ I think it will end up being a three part piece.

I’m hoping this revamp will get me in the mood to write lol. I have a few snippets of fics...

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 18:00:15 -0800

I’m hoping this revamp will get me in the mood to write lol. I have a few snippets of fics floating around on my laptop and ipods. Just need to finish them.

Speak Part 1 - TOP/Daesung

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 17:17:00 -0800

Summary: Things left unsaid

Rating: R

Genre: Angst

Disclaimer: Violence and graphic(?) images.

A/N: um… yeah this was orginally going to be a fluff piece but turned into an angst… way angst piece. It’s like two stories mashed into one. I don’t even know. There is going to be a part two. I’ve decided it needs it.

“Daesung drink with me.” Top turned to Daesung a shot of Tequila in his hand.

“Hyung you know I don’t like to drink.” Daesung flashed his killer smile. The one that Seunghyun loved to put on his face.

“Daesung I’m your hyung and I’m ordering you to drink with me.” Seunghyun already had quite a few shots but it wasn’t as fun when you drank alone. Daesung gave a look he couldn’t quite decipher but soon took a shot.

Seunghyun never allowed Daesung’s glass to be empty and soon he realized Daesung was beyond hammered. He quietly laughed to himself only a little buzzed. He had to drink massive amounts of liquor in order to reach his limit. Daesung was soon slurring his words.

“Hyuuung I smmm…” Seunghyun watched as Daesung stood up and quickly stumbled to his room. He watched amused as he brought out a slightly worn leather book. Daesung plopped into his seat again and gave Seunghyun one of his bright smiles. “HYUNG!”

Seunghyun watched him over his glass. Daesung was really a cheerful drunk and he liked it. Suddenly Daesung shoved the book into Seunghyun’s hands. “Read it!” He gave him a smile that instantly made him smile back.

“Why Daesung-ah? “ Daesung just shook his head and walked back into his room leaving Seunghyun to stare after amused and baffled at once. He chuckled to himself as he opened the small but thick book. The first page was written in neatly scrawled letters. Seunghyun had to admit Daesung seemed to have the best hand writing out of everyone. He quickly read through the first page and realized that he held Daesung’s diary or should he say journal in his hands. He snapped the journal shut with such force. He knew Daesung was a private person, so private that no one could really tell what he was feeling, and he suddenly felt like an intruder peeking through his private thoughts. For one he had no idea he was even keeping a diary, figuring he let it all out by praying. His fingers lightly played over the binding. He looked up swiftly to see if Daesung was going to come back. He hadn’t heard a peep and wondered if he had passed out. He sat there debating. Obviously Daesung had given him his journal to read right? But he was drunk so you couldn’t really take that into account… but he really wanted to know what was in there.

He could put it back after reading a few pages right? Daesung would probably never remember. His curiosity overriding his guilty conscious he opened the diary again. He flicked to a random page. The date was marked February 12th, 2011. It was written only a month ago. His eyes flew over the thoughts that he himself tried so hard to figure out.

‘It’s gotten worse. My thoughts keep going back to him. I’ve tried everything. I’m panicking I can’t concentrate!’

The rest of the page was scratched out. Dark black ink covering the page hiding the secrets that Seunghyun wanted.

He flipped ahead to February 21st, 2011

‘Our concerts approaching and I’ve tried everything. Praying hasn’t helped… I don’t know what to do. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m going to ruin my career…

I’m going to ruin their careers too.

How will I live with myself if I let that happen?’

Seunghyun’s brows furrowed up in frustration. Daesung was just as mysterious and cut off in his diary as he was in real life. How was he supposed to find anything out with his cryptic words? He flipped to the day of the concert February 25^th, 2011. Only a couple of lines were hastily written.

‘My mind is a whirring buzzing mess! I can still hear the thousands of cheers from the fans. Everything was perfect. Hearing them scream for us… not even words can describe the feeling. I want to remember that moment forever.’

Seunghyun flipped to the next page but it was blank. He looked at the bottom of the next page. A page with no date just a sentence that chilled him.

‘I’m going to leave Bigbang… I have to… even though it’s everything I’ve wanted… everything I am… I won’t destroy them… I won’t let them fall apart because of me…’

Seunghyun flipped through the pages quickly only to notice the rest were blank. His fingers stopped slowly when he reached the last page in the back. A small folded piece of paper fell out. He numbly opened it and read the neat hand writing he knew so well.

‘Hyung,

I know you’re reading this.’

Seunghyun felt his face flush. How did he know?

‘I planned it like this… for you to read my journal. You’re probably confused about it though. Don’t worry because I was confused when I wrote all that stuff down.’

Seunghyun felt an alarm go off inside his head. Something was off. Nothing was making sense. He got up the letter still in his hand. He needed to speak with Daesung now. An urgency overpowered him. His eyes scanned the letter swiftly flying over everything to land on the words that sent him running.

‘I want to be gone by the time you finish this letter. I probably will. I didn’t really plan out how to die… not really… not like how I plan out how to cook something or what to do for a day. I decided to go spur of the moment… so as not to raise any alarms. All those signs that they tell you to watch for… you know for suicide… I made sure to avoid them. I guess even in the end no one really knew me. Not completely anyway.’

Seunghyun tore his eyes away from the letter unwilling to read more as he reached Daesung’s door. His hand reached for the handle only to find it locked. He pounded shaking the door and the rest of the walls. He didn’t care if he woke up the house. He could hear sobs in the distance and only realized he was crying. Tears blurred his vision as he yelled out. He heard faint movement from the rest of the house but paid no heed. He raised his foot and kicked down the door. The door buckled in with a loud crack. Jiyong was yelling at him. He couldn’t answer his questions though.

He was too focused. He had to get to Daesung. His dongsaeng. His friend. His love? The word love flew through his mind. Too many thoughts were appearing and falling into a void. He couldn’t grab onto anything coherent.

His hands reached out to the limp body that lay on the bed. There was blood. So much blood. His eyes only saw red. A red he’d never forget.

He heard voices in the background. They were talking fast. Too fast. His mind whirred. He cradled Daesung in his arms. He was cold. The blood was still wet. Soaking into the bedspread, into his clothes, his hands once white now covered with the semi-liquid blood covering the fair arms of Daesung.

He felt his body rock back and forth. Felt himself whispering softly. He couldn’t comprehend his words. His thoughts too far gone for anything else. Then arms were around him. He felt voices coaxing him. Daesung was slipping out of his grasp. He grabbed on tighter he wouldn’t lose him a second time. Then he heard Jiyong’s voice. He was moving, walking, somewhere he didn’t know. All he could see was blood. He looked down at his hands they were stained. He had to get the blood off. Had to get it away from him. He ran to the bathroom and scrubbed. Red flowed down the drain. All he saw was red. He scrubbed harder it wasn’t coming off. He kept scrubbing and scrubbing. He felt hands grab his wrists and pull him away. He resisted. He had to get the blood off. He had too.

He was led somewhere dark and placed on a bed. He heard voices. Jiyong? Seungri? He couldn’t tell. He felt something in his arm he tried to pull away. But his limbs were getting weak. His mind was blurring around the seams. He had to save Daesung though. He couldn’t fall asleep. There was blood. So much blood. Red.

Just red.

Everything was red.

Red.

Take It Slow - GDYB

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 17:16:00 -0800

Rating: NC-17

Type: Fluff - with some angst

Summary: Sometime love takes time

A/N: I was reading the lyrics and listening to the song of Taeyang’s, Take It SLow and this popped into my head. Never written anything remotely smutty before so bare with me.

Youngbae tiredly walked into the Bigbang hostel. All he could think about was taking a nice long shower and then going to bed. He started down the hall to his room but like he always did he stopped by Jiyong’s room. The door was slightly cracked so he gently pushed it open not wanting to interrupt Jiyong if he was hard at work. He saw Jiyong sprawled across the bedspread sheets of paper strewn across. He smiled to himself, he was glad he was at least on the bed instead of hunched over at his desk. Jiyong always complained the next day about neck cramps. Youngbae walked in silently staring down at Jiyong’s sleeping face. He loved how Jiyong slept so peacefully, loved the way he breathed slowly, loved the relaxed and peaceful look on his face.

He loved that he was finally able to look at him with unabashed love on his face. He had loved Jiyong for the longest time. It had started as a slow and study friendship. They had been like brothers when they were trainees, inseparable. They had gone through the pain and hardships together. And finally the success too.

He recalled the moment when he finally realized his platonic friendship had grown into something more. It was two years after they debuted. He couldn’t deny his feelings any longer not when every time Jiyong walked in a room or touched he could feel his face flush, his breath hitch, and his heart pound. He had struggled during that time wrestling with himself and his desires. When Daesung cornered him and demanded to know why he was acting so weird around everyone he had finally caved.

———-

“Hyung what is it? Everyone’s really worried about you. Especially Jiyong.” Daesung’s voice was soft and gentle like it always was. At the mention of Jiyong’s name though he proceeded to grab his head in frustration.

“Daesung-ah nothing’s wrong please leave it alone.” Youngbae sighed defeated he was so tired. Having to be careful of his words and actions around Jiyong was becoming a constant battle. Every time Jiyong smiled at him or even looked at him he fought the urge to just tell him. To scream out his love for the man that he use to love as a brother.

Daesung walked toward him and lightly placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hyung. There is we all can see something’s off. Jiyong keeps thinking he’s done something wrong. Please just tell me I promise I won’t tell anyone… please.” Youngbae looked up into Daesung’s worried but trusting eyes. He finally sighed in defeat. He laughed a little to himself at least he’d be able to tell someone right? But he really didn’t want Daesung or anyone for that matter to look at him differently. Daesung most of all would be different. How could he tell the man he went to church with every Sunday that he was in love with their leader?

“Daesung… you have to promise… promise me you won’t look any differently at me… promise not to tell anyone okay?” Daesung nodded rapidly.

“Hyung I promise, I promise.” He looked at Daesung fear sitting in the pit of his stomach.

“I-I love Jiyong.” His voice was higher than normal sounding strange in his ears. He couldn’t look at Daesung afraid of the judgment in his eyes. He felt Daesung’s had gently grip his shoulder. He looked up uncertain. There was no loathing, no hate, no pity even. All he saw was understanding and acceptance.

Daesung wrapped his arms around Youngbae giving him a hug filled with reassurance. “Why don’t you tell him?”

Youngbae stiffened. He did not want that. Daesung may have accepted his declaration but Jiyong would never. “Daesung don’t.” He warned an edge to his voice.

Daesung unwrapped his arms and looked at Youngbae carefully. “I won’t tell hyung I promised. But what if Jiyong feels the same way?”

Youngbae shook his head furiously, “No. He sees us as friends, brothers even; he’s said it many times before. I’m not going to leave this burden on him. It would make are relationship even worse than it is now.”

Daesung sighed and smiled gently, “Well you can’t keep avoiding him and making everything awkward. If you’re not going to tell him then you’re going to have to act like you don’t love him… until you tell him anyway.”

Youngbae shook his head slightly at the last words, “Yeah I know. And I can’t tell him okay. It would ruin Bigbang.” Daesung just shook his head.

“Whatever you say.”

———-

He had lived in silence the next two years. Pretended around Jiyong. Pretended the small touches, whispered jokes, and silent gazes didn’t make his heart ache, yearn for the man that he saw every day. He noticed after the first year the pity emerging in Daesung’s eyes. It was hard to miss. He talked a little bit about it to Daesung but he didn’t want to burden him with anything. Not when he knew Daesung always suppressed the urge to tell him to just confess. So he held it in. Grew to bear it. After a while it wasn’t so bad. He could live with the little twinge now and again he got from looking at Jiyong, or touching Jiyong, or talking to him.

But like every good secret there’s always something or someone waiting to expose it. Who knew that he’d be the one to expose it though? He grinned to himself. Even though he was an emotional wreck during that time he couldn’t help looking back fondly on it. It had lead him to Jiyong so why wouldn’t he love it?

———

“Hey Bae can you help me stretch please.” Youngbae turned at the sound of Jiyong. He knew that voice, knew the soft pink mouth that spoke the term of endearment that came from their long friendship. He turned to look at Jiyong dresses in shorts and an oversize t-shirt. He mentally berated himself. He had forgotten that Jiyong had said he was working out today. Youngbae had slightly distanced himself ever since his confession to Daesung. He made sure he was never in a position that would compromise Jiyong or his carefully intact will. Helping Jiyong stretch was one the many things on his list that could bend and even break that will. He couldn’t not help Jiyong though, not when he had just started stretching himself. He walked silently toward Jiyong his face expressionless.

“Get down on the mat.” His voice was cold, distant, exactly what it needed to be. Jiyong looked at him puzzlement written on his face as he slowly sank to the floor. Jiyong had been taken aback at first when Youngbae pulled away slowly two years ago. He had come to accept his friends distance from him, hurt but realizing that fame changed people. He had even gotten a little jealous at the close bond that had developed between Daesung and Youngbae especially after they had started rooming together.

“Now lift your legs and pull back to stretch the leg muscles.” Youngbae looked away willing himself to tighten his self control. He looked back down as Jiyong pulled his legs back.

He heard Jiyong pant a little, “Bae can you push them back farther? I think I can stretch a little more.” Younbae hated Jiyong in that second. Hated him so much he roughly grabbed his leg and pulled back.

“Ow! Bae slowly and press back my thigh that’s the part that needs stretching.” Youngbae could feel the little muscles in his neck bulge. He was angry. Angry at himself for putting himself in this position. Youngbae gentler this time reached down and grabbed Jiyong’s thigh pushing back. Youngbae could already feel the heat rushing through his body down to his shorts. Feeling Jiyong’s thigh, only led him to think unwanted thoughts. Before he could stop his body he felt the tent already beginning to show in his shorts. He pulled his hands away like he’d been branded and rushed out throwing out a hurried excuse not even sure if his words made sense.

He grabbed his bag quickly and stuffed everything in it. He rushed out and headed for the hostel. He needed a cold shower. Needed to get as far away from Jiyong as possible. He practically lept through the door glad to be home. He stepped into the shower the cold water taking his breath away. But nothing could help his thoughts. He tried not to think about Jiyong when he let one off as much as possible, not wanting the ache in his chest to worsen, but sometimes even his self control failed. Today was one of those days. He gently stroked himself slowly at first. Gently squeezing his head, wiping the precum away. He was so hard it hurt; he hadn’t done anything in ages knowing he’d end up thinking of the one thing that made him hard. He needed to come and fast. He started stroking faster small pants escaping his mouth. He imagined Jiyong’s mouth slowly sucking him off. He imagined the feel of his hot breath on his tip, the slow circles his tongue made. The way he pushed hard against the back of Jiyong’s throat. Feeling Jiyong’s throat tighten around him. Imagined the way Jiyong would look up at him, lust and love mingled together. And Youngbae came, Jiyong’s name escaping his lips loudly as hot sticky cum fell onto his hand and was swiftly washed away with the water. He stood panting. He’d come harder than he thought he would. He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around himself he opened the door and headed to his room.

He stopped just inches outside of the bathroom door his mouth flying open. Jiyong stood wide eyed before him. Youngbae felt like time stopped. They both stood their staring at each other both wide eyed. Youngbae knew Jiyong had heard. Heard the loud cry he had released with Jiyong’s name on his lips. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe, his worst fear was happening and he couldn’t do anything.

“I-I-I…” Words escaped him. He didn’t even know what to say.

Jiyong looked at him still wide eyed. “Bae…” He trailed off and looked down. He was ashamed, disgusted. Of course he was. What Youngbae had done was inexcusable. He’d ruined everything, and all for what? Because he couldn’t control himself enough to deal with his horrible love for his best friend.

Jiyong looked back up at him but Youngbae turned his eyes away he didn’t want to see the look on Jiyong’s face as he told him off. “Bae… how long?” He winced a little. His throat was dry he tried to squeeze out the words. He felt like a fish without water sputtering for breathe.

His voice was small, weak as he answered him. “Don’t ask Ji… too long.”

Hot tears stung his eyes. He’d held in all the tears he’d wanted to cry for so long. Wanted to cry for loving someone that he couldn’t ever have, for knowing he’d never love anyone else, and for knowing he’d never be loved in return. He hid his face behind his hand and let out a sob. He felt warm arms wrap around him. Felt hands cradle his head softly. He heard the soft words spoken to him. “Bae, shh, please don’t cry. Why though? Why haven’t you ever told me?” Jiyong pulled Youngbae back gently and looked at him. With all the love he possessed. “I’m not sure right now what I’m feeling. I do know I love you but… I’ve… I’ve never thought about us together in that way.” Youngbae pulled away he didn’t want to hear anymore. Jiyong grabbed his hands again making sure he didn’t leave. “Bae listen I’m not done. I can’t express everything that’s going through my mind.” Jiyong pulled away and ruffled his hair frustrated “Aish I’m sorry I’m probably not helping anything at all.” He turned to Youngbae a small smile on his lips, “Bae… I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m willing to give it a try… you’re my best friend. I’ve always loved you. I’ll try, for you, because of you.” They stood silent staring at each other.

Youngbae didn’t know what to say. Jiyong was willing to try with him. Willing to love him back the way Youngbae had always loved him. Jiyong smiled toward him sadly, “I can’t promise anything. So if it doesn’t work out you have to promise we’ll stay friends… please?” Youngbae felt the familiar ache return to his chest but swept it away. Jiyong was trying at least.

“Ji I’d never be able to not be your friend… to not have you in my life…”

———

Youngbae walked to Jiyong’s bed. Shifted papers around and laid gently down beside his sleeping love. He wrapped an arm around Ji’s waist nestling his head in the crook of Jiyong’s shoulder and closed his eyes. A smile played across his lips. He didn’t have to worry about Jiyong falling in love with him. It had begun just like their friendship. Gradual and slow but powerful. Youngbae was still careful around Jiyong, physically, not wanting to push his limits. But he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jiyong loved him. Loved him the way Youngbae had for so long.

Youngbae opened his eyes at the soft squeeze on his arm. He opened his grip as Jiyong turned over a smile bright on his face. “When did you get here?”

Youngbae grinned, like he always did when he looked at Jiyong, “Only a few minutes ago. You can go back to sleep. I’m tired to so I thought I’d nap with you.” Jiyong gave him a mischievous smirk.

“Are you sure you want to sleep?” Jiyong leaned in and laid a soft but sensual kiss on his lips. He looked at Jiyong a bit breathless. He then captured Jiyong’s lips with his. He played lightly over Jiyong’s lower lip before asking for permission. Jiyong readily let him and they teased each other their tongues playing lightly with each other. Jiyong then gently pulled Youngbae’s lip into his mouth sucking and biting. He pulled away lust filling his eyes. He roamed his hand slowly under Youngbae’s shirt feeling the sculpted body that he had grown to admire.

“Bae… I want to… please?” Youngbae looked at him worried. He had always denied Jiyong. Neither of them knowing what would happen. He had to admit he was a little frightened, he didn’t want to hurt Jiyong. “Please.” Jiyong was pleading with him.

“Are you sure?” Jiyong nodded vigorously. “Let’s take it slow, okay?” Jiyong nodded. Youngbae felt a nervousness fill him. He moved in slowly and kissed Jiyong softly. He could feel Jiyong’s nervousness thrumming through him to. Jiyong’s hand was still under his shirt. Jiyong slowly lifted it off, Youngbae lifted Ji’s shirt off and tossed it carelessly on the floor. Youngbae reached out and played lightly with Jiyong’s nipple. Taking the hard nub between his fingers he began pinching and teasing. He heard a small gasp escape Jiyong’s lips. He leaned in and slowly licked it flicking back and forth. Loving the moans elicited form Jiyong’s mouth. He began lightly biting and sucking and watched as goose bumps traveled across Jiyong’s body. Jiyong pushed him back slowly until his head rest on the pillow. Ji reached shaky hands toward Youngbae’s belt and tugged them down. He stopped hesitating over his boxers. Youngbae gave him a reassuring smile and gently leaned forward to lay a kiss upon his lips. Jiyong smile down at him as he lay back against the pillows. Youngbae helped Jiyong to tug his boxers down and looked down suddenly shy. He felt a blush creep across his face. He peeked up at Jiyong and saw a tiny blush cover his features but he looked adoringly down.

He heard a small whisper fall from his lips,“Youngbae your beautiful… so beautiful.” Jiyong then slowly reached down and took him in his hands. He began stroking gently and looked at Youngbae. Seeing the look on his face he slowly lowered his mouth to hover just above his tip. Youngbae shivered as Jiyong’s warm breath fell onto his cock. Jiyong licked his lips and innocent act but one that made Youngbae’s mouth dry. Jiyong began to lick and suck softly at first teasing small sounds from Youngbae’s throat. He then gently played with his balls loving the faces Youngbae made. Soon he lowered his mouth down Youngbae’s shaft taking him all in allowing for his tip to reach past his gag reflex.

“Oh god Ji.” Youngbae let out several moans and grabbed the back of Ji’s head. Jiyong began to rapidly bob up and down sucking hard. Youngbae threw his head back releasing Jiyong’s head. He wouldn’t last long not with Jiyong doing that. And he wanted to last longer. So much longer. “Ji stop! You going to make me come!” Jiyong seemed to delight in that and began rapidly deep throating him. “Please Ji!” Jiyong looked up through half lidded eyes. He began talking his mouth still around Youngbae’s shaft. The vibrations sending moans from his mouth. Jiyong smirked slightly but sucked his way up and then breathed out his reply against his tip, before licking the precum away, “I want you to come though.”

Youngbae quickly stopped him with a shaky hand, “Wait I don’t want to come yet… I want to come when you do…” He trailed off embarrassed at his sentimental wish. Jiyong gave him a sweet smile and moved up to kiss him.

“Okay… but only because you asked so sweetly.” Youngbae grinned at him and began to pull Jiyong’s pants off. When Jiyong was free Youngbae just stared. The same look of adoration coming from his eyes as Jiyong’s.

“No Ji your beautiful. God so beautiful.” Youngbae grabbed Jiyong’s face and heatedly devoured his lips. Youngbae roamed his hands down the smooth, slim surface of Jiyong’s pale skin. Soft muscle greeted his hands as he slowly worked his way down to the one thing he wanted. He reached Jiyong’s cock and began jerking him off in slow steady movements. Jiyong let out moans that made Youngbae’s cock twitch. Youngbae barely managed to pant out his feelings, “Ji I think I might just come to your moans.”

“Don’t… not yet… I want you inside me first.” Jiyong let out small whimpers each time Youngbae pulled up.

“Are you sure?” And Jiyong began nodding vigorously like before. Youngbae carefully lifted Jiyong’s leg up, unsure of himself but gentle, he played lightly over Jiyong’s whole eliciting small noises that made him want to do something else. He licked his finger watching Jiyong’s eyes as he slowly pushed gently inside of him. Jiyong tensed as Youngbae pushed in. He relaxed allowing for him to push in and out stretching him slowly. Jiyong panted softly as he pushed in a second finger taking his time allowing for him to adjust. Jiyong began stroking him again making him pant in the process. Jiyong stroked as Youngbae pushed in and out, both breathing hard taking in the sensations of each other. Jiyong moved closer and ghosted a soft kiss over Youngbae’s lips,

“I’m ready Bae…” Bae looked into his eyes. They were filled with love that overpowered him. He leaned his head against Jiyong’s and took in all the feelings coursing through him. Jiyong was his, all of his, they were together sharing the love that engulfed them.

Youngbae gently laid Jiyong back against the bed and guided himself just outside of Jiyong. “Are you ready?”

Jiyong laughed slightly breathless, “Youngbae how many times are you going to ask? I’m ready… you don’t have to wait for me or ask me anymore. I love you.” Youngbae gazed down at him. And bent down and gently laid a kiss upon his collarbone as he pushed in. He went slowly, wincing at the little gasp of pain that came from Jiyong’s lips. He began kissing his shoulders, his neck, his eyebrows, his forehead, and finally his lips and he began pumping into him. Jiyong’s face was contorted as grunts escaped his lips.

“Jiyong… I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” Jiyong only answered him by gripping him tighter, pulling him closer. Soon Jiyong relaxed enough for him to ease in and out easier. Jiyong was so tight around him, so tight that he knew he’d come. He was so close.

“Youngbae don’t stop… don’t!” Jiyong was moaning so loud. Moaning his name, grabbing him harder trying to meld their bodies together.

“I’m going to come Ji!” Youngbae screamed Jiyong’s name feeling Jiyong’s wall tighten around him milking him of everything he had. He felt the sudden burst of hot cum on his stomach as Jiyong released screaming his name. They had come together and lay panting. Youngbae rolled to the side still in Jiyong and twitched a little as Jiyong tightened around him. He let out an exhausted chuckle, “Not yet Ji I don’t think I have it in me for another go.” He wrapped his arms around Ji and pulled him close feeling the fast breathing of Jiyong’s breath on his neck.

Jiyong let out a soft laugh and looked at him before planting a kiss on his lips, “Well I’m not giving you that much time to rest… so don’t fall asleep on me okay.” Youngbae laughed grabbing his waist closer.

“Take it slow Ji… we have all night you know.” He rested his head against the pillow and closed his eyes. Jiyong’s soft breath creating a rhythm for him to fall asleep to, like he said they had all night so why rush things, after all he’d waited for Jiyong before it was about time Jiyong waited for him.

All He Knows - GD/TOP

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 17:14:00 -0800

Summary: Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

Disclaimer: GD/TOP one shot. I’m just go to label this PG-13 although I don’t think it is… but just being safe.
A/N: So this is the angsty part of the addiction prompt. I also based this off of Bruno Mar’s All She Knows - highly recommend that song -
I had gotten a small idea from that song but after reading a wonderful little fic by vvipforseungri (on livejournal) titled ‘Falling [Out] of Love’ - recommend reading that too- I suddenly had a clearer direction (hope you don’t mind that… if you do just tell me) But I don’t know how well this turned out. I seemed to really struggle with this… so I don’t know. Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it! Prompt~ Addiction
Sorry for any mistakes will correct when I wake up next :)

Jiyong blinked open his eyes, woken again by his whirring thoughts. He turned and saw the angry red numbers read 3:27. He fought against the urge to look behind him, at the other side of the bed, but like he always did he caved and turned his blood shot eyes. The other side was empty. He bit his lip, and sucked in a breath, fighting against the emotion welling up inside. He should have known; he had come to expect it actually, that he wouldn’t be there. He slid out of bed slowly moving his feet soundlessly toward the door. He stared sightlessly as he walked out and down to the living room. He stopped halfway between the front door and kitchen.

It’s not like they lived together; he had to remind himself that every time Seunghyun never appeared in his bed in the morning. He had his own house; needed his own alone time every once and awhile. But Seunghyun hadn’t slept over in months a fact that Jiyong played off because he would go over to his villa. A villa that seemed just as cold and lifeless as the man he slept next to. He hadn’t noticed the slight changes in Seunghyun, not in the beginning… not until it was too late. But it was hard to ignore them now. Not when every glance, word, and touch screamed at him. Screamed the very thing he pretended didn’t exist. Jiyong turned away from the door, turned away from the answers he didn’t want to accept.

He lay down looking at the darkness in his room, feeling the silence threaten to suffocate him. It was the moments like this that he told himself he was done, that he wouldn’t live like this anymore. But even with his silent declarations he knew they wouldn’t last, knew that when he woke up in the morning he’d forget, no pretend they never happened. Jiyong turned as the bed shifted. Gaho came forward and snuggled against his side almost sensing the desperate lies Jiyong clinged to. Jiyong turned and wrapped his arms around him. Even though Gaho wasn’t what he wanted to hold, he pretended, pretended like he did every night.

Jiyong woke to his phone buzzing loudly on his bed side table.

‘Coffee?’

Jiyong reread the word again. One word messages were all Seunghyun sent now. Before it would be long conversations over the phone, even when they had just seen each other, then it moved to text messages, not that he minded they were always laced with silent words of affection, but soon that stopped leaving him to initiate contact first. He hastily replied afraid that if he didn’t it would all just be a figment of his imagination.

‘Where?’

‘Our place’

Even though he fought the smile that crept on his face he couldn’t help it. Their place… It was filled with so many memories, so many moments that Jiyong couldn’t ever forget.

He remembered it was the place where he realized he started liking Seunghyun. He’d been a nervous wreck. GD&TOP promotions were going to start soon and all he was going to do was complicate everything. He couldn’t help being weird around Seunghyun. And when he brought him there for the first time Jiyong decided to just tell him. It was better than allowing the tension between them to escalate.

———

“So how do you like the spot Seunghyun?” Jiyong’s stomach twisted into knots as Seunghyun turned to him and gave him the smile. The one Jiyong liked to believe he alone saw. The special one that had made Jiyong fall for the damnable dimple cheeked man in front of him.

“I’m glad you brought me here. It’s good to get away. Relieve all the stress… so is this where you come to escape from all the chaos?”

Jiyong had to stop himself from throwing his arms around Seunghyun, something about the man screamed to be hugged and cuddled with but he resisted like he always did. He let out a small sigh, “Yeah. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.” Jiyong shifted lightly on the hood of the car they both sat on inching slightly toward Seunghyun. Dusk had fallen and the temperature cooled down considerably leaving him shivering. Seunghyun turned to him and began to take of his jacket. Jiyong quickly shook his head, “No hyung you’ll get cold.” Seunghyun just smiled mischievously at him.

He took off his overly large jacket, “Here scoot closer to me.” Jiyong looked at him and felt his face flush as he scooted a little closer. Seunghyun just chuckled and wrapped his arm around Jiyong’s waist and pulled him to his side.” Closer Ji.” Seunghyun breathed the last part next to his ear as he wrapped the jacket around Jiyong’s body and his. Jiyong shuddered hoping Seunghyun thought he was cold.

“Thanks.” Jiyong was very aware that Seunghyun still had his hand around his waist, very aware. Jiyong gulped his mouth suddenly very dry. “Seunghyun…” He told himself not to. He was going to ruin everything. But the words spilled forth worse than any vomit, “SeunghyunIreallylikeyou.” He was clinching his hands his heart pounding fast as if he had just run a marathon.

Seunghyun looked at him confusion written on his face, “Uh… Ji can you say that again?”

Jiyong sighed, “I… like you… really like you…” He couldn’t look him in the face. He started to get off the hood prepared to leave when Seunghyun quickly grabbed his hand and squeezed.

“I never thought I would see our leader Kwon Jiyong embarrassed and shy.” Jiyong looked up surprise written on his face. He noticed the teasing look in Seunghyun’s eyes.

Jiyong lightly hit Seunghyun, “I never thought I’d let Choi Seunghyun tease me like this.” Seunghyun continued to hold Jiyong’s hand until they left.

———

He never believed Seunghyun would like him back. Always thinking he would reject him. They had held hands after telling each other. A small smile played on his lips. They’d also had their first kiss there.

———

Jiyong sat with Seunghyun his head resting lightly on his shoulder. His heart was fluttering against his rib cage. Seunghyun’s arm lightly played over the soft skin of Jiyong’s hand as he read. They had made time in their busy schedule of variety shows, performances, and promotions to meet at the spot…their spot. Jiyong felt himself smile inwardly. Seunghyun suddenly put his book down and looked down at Jiyong. Jiyong shivered. He always shivered under Seunghyun’s gaze. Something about those big darks eyes seemed to grip Jiyong, he always felt trapped in that gaze, unable to escape and he was fine with that. He felt Seunghyun’s hand cup his face and gently bend down and kiss him. Jiyong was nervous. His hands began to sweat as Seunghyun deepened it softly biting his lower lip. Jiyong had kissed plenty of times before but Seunghyun made him feel inexperienced, small, and weak all his confidence gone as soon as he was alone with him. When they pulled apart Jiyong was more than a little breathless. He saw Seunghyun give him a smirk and looked at him with those eyes. Jiyong mentally cursed him. He suddenly felt something switch inside of him.

——-

That day Jiyong had fallen in love. It was cliché to say but he had. His world suddenly wasn’t his anymore but theirs. He felt a hidden string that seemed to attach to him and pull him toward Seunghyun. He never asked but he assumed that Seunghyun felt the same invisible string that attached Jiyong’s heart to his.

Through his musings Jiyong had pulled up beside Seunghyun’s car. Seeing the familiar broad back, he stepped out of the car. He suddenly felt ill for no reason. He began to break out into a nervous cold sweat before he even saw the face of the man he loved. Seunghyun leaned lazily against his hood barely acknowledging Jiyong as he walked up and leaned next to him. Jiyong winced mentally hurt as Seunghyun handed him his coffee without saying a word. The silence was oppressive, cutting in its stillness. He knew Seunghyun wouldn’t speak. He never started the conversations anymore. It seemed Jiyong had to work for the relationship now. He sighed and lifted the coffee to his lips. He froze as soon as the sweet chocolaty taste filled his mouth. Jiyong didn’t drink sweet coffee and definitely not anything with chocolate in it. Seunghyun knew Jiyong drank almost black coffee with cream and one small spoon of sugar. Seunghyun always brought the coffee when they met here. He suddenly remembered the first time that particular tradition was started.

———

“Bleh! Ji how do you drink that!?” Seunghyun scrunched his face up and began wiping his tongue off

Jiyong held his sides at he let out deep belly laughs. “Hyung I told you wouldn’t like it. You hate anything bitter… I know you love your sweets.” Seunghyun turned to him laughter lighting his eyes creating the small but beautiful laughing lines the Jiyong loved to kiss. “You know you’ll probably die from all that sugar in your coffee.”

Seunghyun shrugged his shoulders with a grin on his face, “At least I won’t die from the awful taste.” He grabbed Jiyong and pinned him down playfully to the hood of the car. He gently set the coffee cups aside and bent down to kiss Jiyong. He whispered along his lips laughter in his words, “Although I could get use to the taste.” Jiyong thought he was falling as Seunghyun tangled his tongue with Jiyong’s. Jiyong could taste the sweetness of Seunghyun’s coffee mix with the bitterness of his. It was like them, two separate forces colliding to make a sensation far beyond anything either of them alone could make.

———

He slowly pulled the cup from his lips. He couldn’t deny it any longer not when everything was blaring in his face. The sudden disappearances, the furtive phone calls, not staying over anymore, and just not speaking with him. Jiyong had known months ago… known that Seunghyun was cheating, but he had played it off… especially when Seunghyun had come to him crying and drunk.

———

“Ji…” Jiyong held Seunghyun tightly as he sobbed into his shoulders. Jiyong didn’t know what to do. He had come home so drunk and had fallen down almost instantly.

“Shhh… it’s alright.” He held Seunghyun close and rubbed his back. It hurt him to see Seunghyun so torn up. He had never mentioned any sort of depressed feelings to Jiyong, it worried him.

“Ji…I…I’m so sorry.” Jiyong felt himself tense almost instantly. His hands involuntarily squeezed Seunghyun closer.

He shakily tried to speak. “Seu-Seunghyun? What are you sorry about?”

Seunghyun pulled Jiyong closer and sobbed into his shoulder his words cut off… but Jiyong heard the one word that mattered the one word that seared him more than any other, “cheated.”

He pulled Seunghyun off and kept him at arm’s length making sure Seunghyun looked him straight in the eye, “What did you say…What did you fucking say!”

Seunghyun recoiled and Jiyong felt his anger falter. Seunghyun wiped his tears away with a big hand. He looked like a child that had broken his mother’s favorite vase. “I’m sorry…I cheated… I cheated Ji” Jiyong shook his head, thoughts buzzing through his head. He stood up shaky and started walking away. “Ji… forgive me… please forgive me… I didn’t mean it.” Jiyong watched as Seunghyun started crawling towards him. A drunken, begging mess. Jiyong ran away. Ran away from his words and locked himself away in his room.

———

Seunghyun had stayed outside his door the next two days waiting for Jiyong to come out. He kept apologizing through the door. And Jiyong cried. He sobbed and mourned. Mourned their relationship. It would never be the way it was before. But Jiyong took every pleaded, whispered, and shouted sorry. Every single declaration of guilt. Every single I love you. He took it all. He even took Seunghyun back.

It had started after that night. He didn’t know if it was the same woman or several. He just knew that Seunghyun had tasted something different, something sweet. And Jiyong knew just how much he loved his sweets. He had tried to bring it up. But every time Seunghyun would give him a look and laugh it off. And Jiyong couldn’t fight him not when Seunghyun threatened to leave him. Even though Jiyong should have been the one to leave.

This though he would confront him… he had too. Seunghyun had suddenly tainted the very place that had been sacred between them. Jiyong couldn’t let that go.

“Seunghyun… do you know this has chocolate in it?” Jiyong made sure his voice was level, distant like Seunghyun’s always was.

He watched as Seunghyun quirked his eyebrows and shrugged at him, “Oh… I guess the new staff isn’t very well trained yet.”

That little shrug lit a fire in Jiyong. He wouldn’t let it go this time. “Or maybe someone accidently gave me the wrong one… do you think she likes bitter coffee?” Jiyong turned and looked straight at Seunghyun.

Seunghyun looked at him confusion lighting his eyes, “Who?” Jiyong admitted Seunghyun was a damn good actor. He had after all bought all the bullshit lies he had told him.

Jiyong let out a tired sigh. Jiyong loved Seunghyun so much. He was everything to him. Even now Jiyong felt that string tied around his heart squeeze tightly so tightly it seemed to cut him. He wondered if Seunghyun could feel it squeeze too, wondered if Seunghyun had ever been tied in the first place.

Seunghyun calmly walked over to Jiyong and gently wrapped his arms around his waist. Jiyong looked up and found himself trapped in Seunghyun’s gaze again. But this time it was a prison. A prison that Jiyong knew he could never escape from. Seunghyun lightly bent down and laid a sweet kiss on his lips. If Jiyong forgot everything he could pretend it was like their first. But he couldn’t and he could feel the emptiness behind Seunghyun’s actions. Sometimes he felt a small spark within Seunghyun. But lately they could just be strangers passing on the street. The string around his heart squeezed tighter slicing it open and burying itself deep within the wounded flesh. It squeezed so tight he thought it would tear his heart in half but it didn’t, a small part held on weakly.

Seunghyun tightened his hold and hugged Jiyong close. “I love you Ji.” And Jiyong wrapped his hands around Seunghyun. Even though he was cut open and bleeding he wasn’t dead. He realized if he left Seunghyun he really would be dead. So he decided to pretend. He pretended that as Seunghyun pulled away he wasn’t going to go back to her, pretended that he wasn’t weak to stay with him, and pretended that Seunghyun still loved him. At least then if he lied to himself enough he could pretend that he wasn’t actually dying. At least he pretend to could go on living. After all it was all he knew.

Coffee and Cigarettes - Part 2 - GD/TOP

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 17:12:00 -0800

Summary: The morning after, more cigarrettes and some coffee.

Disclaimer: GD/TOP one shot. Has adult concepts so if your not comfortable with that don’t read this.

A/N: God… this was not at all as fluffy as I wanted it to be. I somehow put some angst in here… Not at all what I planned… I’m thinking of writing a smutty epilogue… still haven’t decided since I’ve never written smut before… we shall see. Well hope you like this not so fluffy part. Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it! Prompt~ Addiction

Part 1

Seunghyun woke up to bright light flooding his living room and a pounding migraine. He decided he’d have to get black out curtains soon. He walked slowly to his kitchen and found the always ready ibuprofen. He always seemed to get a migraine when he was stressed. And he was stressed. He rolled his shoulders he needed a cigarette. But first he had to check on Jiyong.

Seunghyun unwillingly walked to his room. After last night he really didn’t want to deal with Jiyong. He was actually kind of pissed. He knew it wasn’t Jiyong’s fault for kissing him but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling hurt that he was played with. He pushed open his door and was met with an empty bed. He started when he heard running water in the bathroom. He walked quietly toward the master bath and peered in through the slightly cracked door. He caught a glimpse of a very naked Jiyong stepping into the shower. He thanked all the heavens above that he chose a villa with see through shower doors. He watched as the water seemed to flow down Jiyong’s back. Even though Jiyong’s it was all he could see he still felt incredibly turned on at the sight of his bare ass. He could already feel all the blood rush to his hard on. He yanked himself away from the door disgusted. He was watching his band mate, his best friend shower naked, he felt like a pervert. He was invading Jiyong’s privacy. Jiyong was straight and Seunghyun was imagining very gay things happening between the two of them. He felt shame wash over him. If Jiyong found out that he liked him more than a friend… he couldn’t think of the consequences. He rushed out of the room before anything worse happened. He had to get out of the house away from the boy who was making Seunghyun go crazy. He cursed to himself. His inability to drive sucked. He swore he’d get a license as soon as he could.

He walked out of his house and was met by a very urgent bark. He looked over his gate and saw his dog Charlie. He swore again. How could he forget Charlie was in the backyard? He never forgot to let him in at night; Charlie was one of the few things that could fight off his loneliness. He rushed over to Charlie and opened the gate. Charlie bounded out and showered him with wet kisses. He grinned, despite his horrible morning Charlie made it a little brighter. He grabbed a leash and hooked it on Charlie’s collar. He couldn’t remember the last time he walked him, he knew he was a bad dog father. “Well today you’re going to get a nice long walk. Okay?” He looked down at the playful puppy and chuckled he needed to take better care of his dog especially if he brightened his mood like now.

Seunghyun walked back to the door exhausted. He hadn’t planned on running, he loathed it, but walking was to slow a pace for his whirling thoughts. He looked down at Charlie who panted a little but seemed alright. As he stepped through the door he was met with the smell coffee. Seunghyun felt his mouth water he really loved coffee. He unhooked Charlie and watched him bound toward the kitchen. He walked slowly behind and stopped. Jiyong came out from the side and bent down to playfully rub the dog. Seunghyun would have been fine with that if he wasn’t just in a towel and still a little wet. He felt himself gulp and looked away feeling his cheeks flush.

“Seunghyun you should have told me you were going for a run. I was worried when I couldn’t find you.” He watched Jiyong stand up and take a slow sip from his coffee mug. Why did he have to look so damn hot just drinking coffee???

“Sorry… Charlie really needed the exercise.”

Jiyong raised his eyebrow unconvinced, “And why are you still in the same clothes from last night?” Seunghyun swore mentally. Jiyong would notice small details.

Seunghyun just decided to ignore his question, “Are you feeling alright?” He had never seen Jiyong so wasted but Jiyong never seemed to be affected by any sort of hangover the next day. The only thing he complained about was lack of memory and a headache. And for once he was grateful for that.

Jiyong shrugged his shoulders and stood up, “I’m okay my heads pounding more than usual. That’s why I had to come down here for some coffee… You want some?” Seunghyun nodded his head and followed Jiyong at a distance into the kitchen. Jiyong began preparing his coffee, already knowing Seunghyun liked it with lots and lots of sugar. Jiyong carried over his coffee and set it in front of Seunghyun and sat with him at the table. They sat in silence for awhile. Jiyong had been over to his villa many times but never before had he slept over. It was a new and awkward experience for both. “Hyung…?” Seunghyun looked up from staring at his untouched coffee. “Did I do something last night? I can’t remember very well…” Jiyong shot him a worried expression.

“Uh… no Ji… not anything too bad…” Seunghyun watched Jiyong’s eyes as they panicked.

“Nothing too bad!? What’s nothing too bad?”

“Nothing Ji you were just really drunk. Do you not remember anything?”

Jiyong looked toward him thinking, “Well I have small flashes but some of them are really blurry. Did I kiss anyone? I keep getting this strong feeling but very blurry image of me kissing someone… I… think I really liked it too…” Seunghyun stiffened slightly then relaxed. He doubted Jiyong would like it if he found out he was the one he kissed.

“Uh… no I don’t think you did… well I didn’t see you anyway…” He looked quickly away, he was never very good at lying to Jiyong, after all Jiyong had this innate sixth sense if someone was lying, that’s how he caught the maknae all the time. Jiyong raised his eyebrows then relaxed them seeming to let it go.

“Whatever ever you say hyung… I trust you.” Seunghyun watched Jiyong take a sip of his coffee never looking away from him. He knew, that Jiyong knew, that he was lying but instead of calling him out like he normally did he stayed silent. Seunghyun didn’t like that not one bit.

Seunghyun felt flush, “I… uh need a cigarette.” He left the table quickly and went to the back yard. He had a lit cigarette in his hand and quickly inhaled instantly feeling relief. He knew the dangerous poison he inhaled but at the moment he was glad of the little addiction he had. It stopped him from craving something else something far more lethal. He sighed and cracked a smile when Charlie came running out. He bent down and cupped the dogs head and swiftly gave him a soft peck on the nose. He really loved that dog.

He heard a cough behind him and stood up, his cheeks already beginning to redden. “You know I never did take you for a dog person but I guess you have to love something right?” Jiyong stood leaning against the door frame, still in his bath robe and still looking hot as ever. Seunghyun quickly put the cigarette to his lips and sucked in. He really wanted that nicotine to override his thoughts. He stood still as Jiyong walked over to him, it looked more like a saunter but either way Seunghyun’s eyes were drawn to the hip bones just above the towel. “Hey hyung share with me.” Seunghyun quickly grabbed his pack, happy to look away from his dongsaeng. “No hyung that’s wasting.” Jiyong’s hand shot forward and pulled the cigarette from between Seunghyun’s lips… slowly. Jiyong looked at him with a smirk in his eye and lifted the end to his mouth. He sucked on it never looking away from Seunghyun. There was no mistaking the look in Jiyong’s eyes… he knew. Knew that they had kissed, knew that Seunghyun had willingly kissed him back. Panic, anger, and… the sting of rejection washed over him. He panicked at the thought of their relationship deteriorating, he clinched his fists at the way Jiyong was so blatantly throwing last night in his face, and crumbled inside at Jiyong’s obvious rejection. Jiyong was taunting him, taunting him for liking him, taunting him for something he couldn’t control no matter how much he tried. He decided to ride the anger wanting that instead of the painful feelings ready to sweep him under. He raised his fist and struck. He watched as Jiyong fell backwards with a soft thud clutching his face. “What the fuck!”

Seunghyun stalked off quickly before he did any real damage to Jiyong. He already regretted hitting him. He hated the fact that he could still like the little prick after that. Jiyong roughly grabbed Seunghyun’s arm and turned him toward him. Seunghyun looked at him anger and humiliation deep within his eyes. Before he could retaliate again Seunghyun noticed the forgotten towel lying on the ground. He swiftly looked down, even though he screamed at himself not to. Jiyong was before him in all his glory and Seunghyun hated himself for getting aroused. Hated the fact that Jiyong could totally spit on his pride and he still wanted to fuck him to the ground. Seunghyun tore his eyes away. His shame clearly written on his face as his eyes began to spill the tears he tried so hard to keep. He didn’t say anything waiting for the stinging words of Jiyong’s rejection or taunt whichever came first. He could already hear it in his head.

“So you like cock huh? You want me don’t you? Are you turned on with me here? Don’t you hate the fact that I’m not a dick sucker. Must suck knowing you’ll never get this ass.”

He was startled as a gentle hand reached up and turned his face. He stared blurrily into Jiyong’s eyes. Eye’s that he thought would be filled with taunts and disgust but instead were filled with… Seunghyun wouldn’t let himself hope. He was already crushed enough. “Hyung… look at me.” Jiyong grabbed his face with both handles and cradled it so Seunghyun couldn’t look away no matter how hard he tried.

He weakly grabbed Jiyong’s wrists his earlier strength seeming to deplete. “Please Ji don’t.” He hated his voice cracking, hated the tears that wouldn’t stop falling.

“You don’t want me to?” Jiyong looked at him with confused hurt in his eyes.

Seunghyun weakly let out the last thing he wanted to say, “Don’t break my heart anymore. I don’t think I can handle it.” He watched as Jiyong looked at him an amused laughter lighting his eyes.

“Is that what you think I’m going to do to you?” Seunghyun couldn’t answer not understanding his words. Jiyong wiped away the tears that spilled from his eyes, “Seunghyun you really are thick sometimes.” Then Jiyong pulled him closer and planted a very soft and sweet kiss on his lips. The kiss Seunghyun had thought about many times, the kiss that should have been their first. Jiyong rested his head softly against Seunghyun’s “I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for a long time… I remember kissing you last night… in fact that memory is the only one not blurry… It started out just harmless but when you kissed me back… I don’t know maybe I finally realized that there was more between us… I wanted you to say something to me so I could know for sure if you liked me… but you’re so dense sometimes…” He trailed off then looked at Seunghyun smiling, “Did you have to punch me so hard?” Seunghyun let his big full dimple grin light his face. They both started laughing. Seunghyun then looked down at Jiyong who was still very much naked and started blushing. Jiyong shot him a wicked grin but went and grabbed his towel and put it on. “Hyung… you look kind of sweaty want to go take a shower?” Even though he didn’t say with him, Seunghyun could hear the implied meaning. He gulped and pulled out a cigarette quickly. Jiyong raised an eyebrow.

Seunghyun shrugged, “Sorry… I’m addicted.”

Jiyong smirked and walked toward Seunghyun standing a little on tip toe and whispered along his lips, “So am I.” Seunghyun couldn’t tell if he was referring to the cigarettes or to something else. And for once he didn’t care. Their lips met and hungrily devoured each other. The mingling taste of cigarettes and coffee never tasted so good to Seunghyun. He didn’t mind being addicted to this, didn’t mind at all that he’d never be able to break this particular addiction.

Coffee and Cigarettes - Part 1 - GD/TOP

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:46:00 -0800

Summary: A drunken Jiyong, cigarrettes and some coffee to come.
Disclaimer: GD/TOP one shot. Has adult concepts so if your not comfortable with that don’t read this.
A/N: So this is going to be divided into two parts. It got a little longer than I intended. I really wanted this to be fluff so don’t dispair if it’s not very fluffy yet. It will be in the next part. This part might be little boring so sorry. And I’ve decided to do two different stories for this one prompt. I got a fluffy image and then a angsty one so this one is the fluffy one first :) Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it! Prompt~ Addiction

Top stood silently laughing to himself, Jiyong would become tanked. It was his birthday so Seunghyun couldn’t hold it against him. He had lost count the number of times Jiyong had stayed sober to take care of him when he was way past tipsy. They were close friends and had gotten closer through GD&TOP promotions. If Seunghyun admitted it to himself he almost liked promotions with Jiyong better than the regular Bigbang promotions. He was a little excited to work with Jiyong again for the upcoming album. Seunghyun couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why he loved working with Jiyong so much maybe it was Jiyong’s passion? Or maybe because they had such a great time together just the two of them? Top always felt invigorated whenever he worked closely with Jiyong. He caught himself smiling as Jiyong came over, stumbling a little on the way.

“Hyung! Dance! Dance with me!” Seunghyun watched amused as Jiyong grabbed his hand and playfully twirled under it.

“You know I don’t dance.”

“Hyung! You dance great; I love to watch you dance.” Jiyong unexpectedly twirled around and ground his ass into Seunghyun’s groin. Seunghyun let out a startled grunt. It didn’t hurt he was just surprised. He knew Jiyong was a touchy person and was used to his ways, although grinding into his groin was one thing, especially since it felt good to have his little ass positioned in the perfect spot for… Seunghyun shook his head dispelling those kind of thoughts.

“Jiyong I think you’ve had enough, we should go.” Seunghyun chuckled and pushed him away so there was room between them. It wasn’t unusual in the club for guys and girls to be overly physical with each other but Top was a little worried. Jiyong grabbed his neck and pulled him close planting a not so friendly kiss on his neck. If Jiyong wasn’t so drunk he would’ve thought he wanted to have sex with him but Seunghyun figured he was so wasted he couldn’t tell boys from girls.

Jiyong seductively whispered in his ear, “Hyung, let’s go out for a smoke…please?” He pouted his lips, Jiyong’s face didn’t go along with his voice but Seunghyun sighed and rolled his eyes, anything to get Jiyong home faster. He led the stumbling Jiyong to a private room in the back. It was empty and Seunghyun sighed relieved. He really didn’t want too many stories going around about Jiyong’s drunken escapades. He sat Jiyong down on one of the couches and pulled a drink out of his hands replacing it with a cigarette. Jiyong didn’t seem to notice and happily sighed as Seunghyun lit the end. He watched Jiyong inhale and exhale with a look of utter bliss on his face. He had to admit Jiyong looked damn sexy with that cig in his mouth. Startled by his thoughts Top reached for his own. He needed to get his mind off of those thoughts… those thoughts however seemed to be more and more frequent lately. As he put the lighter to the cigarette end Jiyong pulled his hand down.

“Hyung don’t waste share with me.” Jiyong pulled his cigarette out after taking a long and Seunghyun thought very seductive and deliberate drag. If he wasn’t so addicted to the nicotine that helped him with his spiraling thoughts he would’ve refused; he didn’t like what his thoughts were implying from Jiyong’s actions… well he liked it, liked it a hell of a lot but he didn’t want to admit it. Top reached for the cigarette but Jiyong beat him to it and placed it to his lips.

As his lips encircled the little stub Jiyong moved closer placing his hand on Seunghyun’s thigh and whispered, “Have I ever told you I love watching you smoke?” As his whispered confession came out Jiyong lightly trailed his hand up Seunghyun’s thigh. Sudden thoughts of what he wanted that hand to do filled Seunghyun’s mind, thoughts of what Jiyong’s mouth would look like encircling something much bigger than the cigarette now in his mouth. Seunghyun shifted slightly even though he enjoyed the touch, maybe too much, he wouldn’t allow drunken Jiyong to do things he’d later regret. He quickly flicked the cigarette out and moved out from Jiyong’s hand, although Jiyong still followed him with his gaze.

“Let’s go you’ve definitely had enough.” He grabbed Jiyong roughly and heard a small protest. He didn’t care. His face was burning up the club atmosphere and cigarette smoke suddenly choking him. He pushed his way through bodies until he was safely outside. Too bad he couldn’t escape the one thing he wanted to. Jiyong staggered against him and slurred out something Top didn’t even want to decipher. All he was thinking at the time was getting a cab. He didn’t wait long before he was practically throwing Jiyong into one. As soon as they hit the seats Jiyong passed out. Seunghyun let a very frustrated sigh. He didn’t want to deal with carrying Jiyong up to his dorm so he decided to just head to his villa. He carried Jiyong into his bedroom and placed him on his very unused bed. He went to get some cold wipes and a trash can. Even thought he didn’t use his bed he really didn’t want to deal with cleaning up any puke. He tucked Jiyong in and sat at the edge of the bed beside him. Seunghyun lightly pressed the damp cloth against Jiyong’s head and sat watching him. He silently mused to himself. If he had someone to sleep with, someone to help fight off the incessant loneliness, he would willingly sleep in his bed. But he didn’t and had accepted the fact that his leather couch with several toys would have to work.

Jiyong stirred slightly and opened his eyes. Seunghyun looked down into the deep brown eyes. Both were silent as they stared into each other’s eyes.

“Hyung? Where am I?” Jiyong was still drunk but more coherent which eased Seunghyun’s worry.

“Shh, Ji your at my house. It’s all right rest.” He watched as Jiyong didn’t listen to him. Not at all surprised, after all he was Bigbang’s leader he never listened to anybody. Jiyong propped himself up and looked at Seunghyun intensely. Usually Seunghyun made people squirm under his gaze but for once he was squirming under Jiyong’s. Then Jiyong did something totally unexpected. He moved forward until his knees were under him and he was kneeling toward Seunghyun. “Uh… Ji… what are you doing?” Seunghyun gulped and moved a little away only to have Jiyong follow. Jiyong grabbed his arm and ran his hand up Seunghyun’s arm.

“Shh, Seunghyun it’s alright.” Jiyong was now trying to comfort Seunghyun but he was anything but comforted. His heart was in his throat and he willed himself to move away as Jiyong inched his face toward his but his will power seemed to have melted away.

He let out a weak protest as Jiyong leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn’t soft and sweet like he had imagined his first kiss to be with Jiyong. It was horny and full of lust. Jiyong devoured his lips and Seunghyun readily let him in. He loved Jiyong’s roaming hands on his body, loved the taste of beer and cigarettes, but he didn’t love the idea of taking advantage of the horny drunken Jiyong before him. He cared too much for him to use him when he was uninhibited. And he really didn’t relish the thought of Jiyong just using him as a way to release his drunken hard on. He was sure Jiyong would take anyone at the moment and he didn’t want to be some drunken lay that he never remembered. As much as it hurt him he pulled away, he knew he’d never get this chance again but he had too much respect for Jiyong and himself to let things get further.

Jiyong looked at him in confused still lost in the heated kiss. Seunghyun walked out of his bedroom and shut the door. He headed to his couch and laid down grabbing a stuffed bear brick he had lying around. He felt lonelier than ever before and cuddled the animal closer. He willed himself to sleep but the thought of his lips on Jiyong’s kept him awake for several hours until finally he blacked out.

Breathe and Just Be - GD/Seungri

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:45:00 -0800

Summary: Waking up with GRi

A/N: Trying my hand at writing a little fluff, don’t know how well this turned out but hope you like it. I started writing this and then Faith Hill’s Breathe came on and I sort of mixed elements of that song in this.

A ray of light slipped through the partly cracked blinds landing across Seungri’s face. He blinked open his eyes squinting. He turned his head away from the light and reached his hand toward the other side of the bed. His fingers met with soft, warm skin. A smile curled over his features as he looked at the person beside him. Jiyong was peaceful in his sleep. The worries that plagued him in his waking hours gone from his mind as he wandered the land of dreams, dreams that he hoped were filled with him. Seungri turned toward his sleeping lover and curled his hand under his head, watching, just watching. The sun danced lightly on his face, making Seungri’s breath catch, it was truly breathtaking.

The soft rise and fall of Jiyong’s chest creating a steady rhythm that Seungri felt his heart attune to. Seungri could listen to him breath for hours and not get bored. He trailed his eyes up Jiyong’s body; he loved when Jiyong wore nothing but boxers to bed. It let him admire his smooth creamy skin, the way the muscles contracted as he slept. Jiyong shifted gently in his sleep turning his head toward Seungri allowing for a better view. His recently shaved head made his milky skin stand out. He looked like a young boy, a boy who had no worries, one that spent each day loving and being loved. Seungri felt his features soften. His eyes moved to stare at Jiyong’s collarbone. He understood why all the fan girls were so attracted to it. The way it poked out of his skin ever so slightly was sexy and enticing. Yet he was the only one that was able to taste that soft skin and bite ever so teasingly at the bone. He loved that collarbone, loved the way Jiyong moaned when he moved his lips in just the right way over that spot.

He continued up Jiyong’s body to his exposed neck. He smirked at the tiny hicky’s that covered the pale flesh. Nothing a little make-up couldn’t conceal but he knew Jiyong wouldn’t be happy about the love marks when he saw them. His gaze lingered over the now relaxed jaw line. He loved when Jiyong kept a little stubble and kissed his body all over, the tingling, tickling sensation never failed to make him moan. His eyes rested on soft pink lips, lips that could give soft butterfly kissed or make him hungry for more… much more. Jiyong knew how to work those lips, that mouth. He knew how to move them softly over Seungri’s, knew how to entice, tease, play, and love with just a single movement. He continued to the high, striking cheekbones that always seemed to awe him every time he looked. He traced the nose that gave him Eskimo kisses to make him laugh. And finally he rested on the beautiful eyes framed by dark lashes.

Jiyong was beautiful. Not just handsome but beautiful, so beautiful that it hurt sometimes to look at him. But he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever stop admiring and loving him. Jiyong was more than just the looks he displayed. He was more, so much more. He was strong. So strong sometimes that it exasperated him. He tried so hard to show everyone that he couldn’t break. That he was strong enough for others to lean on him. Seungri just wanted him to realize that he needed someone too, someone he could lean on, he wanted him to know that he was there and he could handle whatever Jiyong was going through. He was also brave, standing in the face of controversy and hate never running away. Even in his darkest days he never hid, never turned away from those who were out to hurt him. Seungri instinctively wrapped an arm around Jiyong and pulled him close, holding him like Jiyong always held him. Jiyong was sacrificing. Giving all of himself for his music and the fans, people may say he was cold and distant but he really gave his heart to the fans. He sacrificed his privacy and any chance for a normal life for them. If they knew everything that he did for them would they still judge him?

Most of all Jiyong was loving. He loved his friends, his family, and his fans more than anything. He never hesitated to show it. Seungri buried his head in the crook of Jiyong’s shoulder and smiled to himself. Jiyong loved him too. Jiyong told him every day with his eyes, his body, his words, and his heart. Just knowing that made Seungri almost explode. He was loved by someone, someone he didn’t deserve, no matter how much Jiyong denied the fact; he knew he wasn’t good enough for the perfect boy he held tightly. Seungri was always making mistakes, screwing up, he wasn’t good enough and he knew that. But whenever he was around Jiyong he felt that he could be better, better because Jiyong loved him. He sighed and kissed Jiyong’s shoulder and squeezed him closer wanting to meld their souls together. He closed his eyes content to just rest with Jiyong in his arms.

He felt a soft hand trail down his arms sending goose bumps to the surface. He opened his eyes to stare into the chocolate irises that spoke of hidden desires and love. Jiyong wrapped his arms around Seungri and they stayed there their bodies intertwined and just stared. Their eyes and mingled breaths communicating the love they felt; knowing they didn’t have to say anything, they could just be. Jiyong raised his hand and softly caressed Seungri’s face. He titled his chin up and leaned forward leaving a ghost kiss upon his lips. Seungri felt himself frown wanting more. Jiyong looked at him laughter lighting up his eyes and face. He leaned forward again, Seungri expectantly moved toward him ready for a kiss. Jiyong pulled back and wagged his finger teasing. Seungri sighed but stayed still as Jiyong leaned in a third time. Slowly, so slowly he thought he wouldn’t kiss him, Jiyong pressed his lips gently on Seungri’s. It was sweet and slow conveying everything that they both felt. Jiyong pulled back again opening his slightly closed eyes. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he looked into Seungri’s eyes, “I love it when you watch me…” Seungri could feel his cheeks warm. He looked down shyly he wouldn’t have stared so blatantly if he had known Jiyong was awake. He felt the vibrations as Jiyong chuckled. Jiyong grabbed his chin again bringing his eyes up to meet his. “This is why I love you maknae. Don’t worry I only woke up when you started squeezing me.” Seungri smile and gave Jiyong a small peck. Jiyong smiled back at him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Jiyong shook his head and pulled Seungri closer, if they could get any closer, putting their faces side by side, he whispered softly in his ear, the type of whisper that only lovers exchange, “No Seungri I love you more, so much more.” Seungri shivered at the sound in Jiyong’s voice. He smiled and trailed kisses across Jiyong’s face until he rested just above his lips. He leaned in and they both lost themselves in the love they felt. Seungri found himself smiling, if only Jiyong knew, knew that Seungri really did love him more, more than life itself… but he could never tell him that, Jiyong would only argue, and everyone knew how much Jiyong loved to argue. He contented himself with showing him just how much more he loved him.

The Price you Pay - T.O.P/Seungri

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:43:00 -0800

Summary: When the bottle is worth more than the love

Disclaimer: T.O.P/Seungri one shot.Has adult concepts so if your not comfortable with that don’t read this.

A/N:Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it! Prompt~ Goodbye

Choi Seunghyun sat in the dark a glass of red wine lazily held in his grip. He brought the glass to his lips and gulped the last of the liquid. He stared at the empty remnants blankly. Normally when he sat drinking he’d think about the day’s events, plan schedules, and just ponder his life. But now he tried his hardest not to think about the day, he’d rather drown his sorrows in the bottle and forget everything. He got up shakily and made his way to his always stocked liquor cabinet.

It wasn’t a secret Seunghyun liked to drink. Wine, beer, bourbon, vodka it didn’t matter as long as he could get a little buzz. He had never thought of himself as an alcoholic he just liked to drink. Of course he was sure all alcoholics liked to drink so maybe he was in denial. Whatever it didn’t matter to him, he searched over the bottles searching for nothing in particular. His eyes blurrily read the words whiskey. He smiled. Whiskey was a good choice tonight. He needed that burning sensation; maybe it would get rid of the burn in his heart.

He shook his head. Thoughts like those were not wanted tonight or any other night. He uncapped the bottle not bothering to put any in his glass. As the liquid flowed down his throat setting his insides on fire, he realized maybe tonight the liquor wasn’t his friend. Seunghyun found himself stumbling forward. He tried to walk away from the memories that flooded him. His knees hit the floor with a loud smacking noise. It echoed through his empty house, through his empty soul. The bottle of whiskey landed with a crash, glass scattering everywhere, liquid pouring on the floor and covering his pants and shoes. He looked at the shattered glass, the liquid that soaked into his clothes. The mess was just like his life. Messed up and broken. He was messed up and broken.

Flashback-

“Choi Seungyun! Do you know how many times I called you!?” Seungri’s face was livid. Little veins stood out along his neck. Veins he loved to see when Seungri called out his name as he pounded roughly into him.

“Yah Seungri! I’m your hyung so call me that!” Seunghyun gave Seungri his signature smirk the one he knew Seungri loved. He was a little drunk as he stumbled over to wrap his arm lovingly around Seungri. Seungri who usually loved any sort of touch from him unexpectedly stopped yelling and stood looking at him a calm coming over him. He gently pulled Seunghyun off of him. Seunghyun stared he wasn’t used to the sudden change in his lovely maknae.

Seunghyun heard a defeated, tired sigh escape the maknae’s young lips. “Is this all a game to you? Or are you really this detached from the world?” Seunghyun stared blankly. He didn’t know why Seungri was so serious. Seungri ran his hands through his hair and looked at Seunghyun with sorrow in his eyes. “I love you so much. So much that I can’t breathe properly when you’re not around. And every time you look at me or come close my heart stops…” Seunghyun watched Seungri’s face battle with emotions until finally it settled on a look of utter heartbreak. “I waited for you tonight. I waited up all night. I knew you’d come back drunk. I’ve come to expect that from you…” He heard him choke back a sob. Seunghyun was lost what did he do wrong? “But I want you to answer me, actually answer me, no avoidance, no playful remarks, no detached feelings, answer me honestly. How could you? Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Do you think since I’m so young that I’m naïve and blind? Or did you think I was just a stupid little boy whose feelings could be played and toyed with like you play with your toys?” Seunghyun blinked slowly. He couldn’t mistake the hatred that burned in Seungri’s voice. What did he do to make Seungri hate him? Then it came back in small flashes.

The club was packed bodies pressed against each other. No air to breathe.

Seunghyun drinking shot after shot.

A small red head trailing her hand down his shirt. Resting the small manicured thing upon his jeans.

Walking to the back of the club. They were outside in the alley.

It was dark. Her lips like fire upon his.

Hands roaming everywhere, touching, feeling, bringing pleasure.

The smell of liquor on both their breathes as they panted in time with each other.

His thrusts getting more erratic, her soft moans growing louder.

The curve of her smile as she kissed him by and left.

“I love you. No I loved you. I loved you with everything I had Seunghyun. I gave you everything of me!” Seungri was screaming at him. Sobbing. “Just tell me why? Why?” His voice broke. He looked at him the pain raw in his eyes.

“Seungri… I didn’t mean it, I was drunk”

“Didn’t mean? What didn’t you mean? To get wasted like you always do? To fuck some slut in an alley? Or for me to find out? Don’t blame it on the fucking alcohol that your killing yourself with. You should blame yourself. You’re a bastard. A bastard with no heart. I should’ve known. Should’ve known you were incapable of emotions, of love.” Seungri’s anger seemed to deplete from his body. He looked exhausted. The endless nights of waiting for Seunghyun to come home, the endless nights of taking care of the stumbling fool as he puked and passed out, they had taken their toll. Not only on his body but his heart. “Seunghyun I’m done. You can go fuck every person you meet for all I care. I’m just done with you. “ Seungri walked toward the door. Before he closed it he left Seunghyun with one last goodbye, “Don’t call me the next time your drunk because I won’t be there.”

Flashback End-

Seunghyun buried his face in his hands and let out a silent sob. His body shook as he cried for the one thing that he had lived for. He sat like that for hours until the sobs died down and his buzz was gone. He lifted himself off the floor his body cramped and sore. He looked down at the mess. He didn’t feel like cleaning it up. He turned back to his liquor cabinet and grabbed the nearest thing. This time he would drown out everything. He’d have no more memories, nor more emotions, no more pain. He’d rather feel the soothing numbness of the alcohol than what his reality actually offered. Which was the complete emptiness in his life, the emptiness that Seungri had filled. A fleeting thought passed through his mind before he was completely wasted. He would’ve stopped for Seungri, stopped drinking and admitted he had a problem. But Seungri had left so he didn’t have to. He brought the bottle to his lips the contents already half gone. But he wasn’t an alcoholic so what could one more drink hurt?

Are Words Enough? - Daesung/Seungri

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:41:00 -0800

Summary: The phone call between Seungri and Daesung the day of the accident.
A/N: I really do not like this. I don’t like any part of what I’ve written. I didn’t capture any of the emotions that I wanted to. And its short and just blah. I might rewrite it later, it’s 5 am here and I really need sleep so this is it for now.

Seungri started to shake thoughts ran through his mind too fast for him to grab a hold of. He was gripping his phone dialing the familiar number before he could properly register what he was doing. Why? Why was all he could ask himself. Why when they were at their best, at the top, finally growing into their own did this happen? More important why did it have to happen to the one person who deserved it least? His hands trembled as he heard the distinctive ringing sound.

Ring

Ring

Ring…

Seungri let out an angry sigh. Why wasn’t he answering?! Didn’t he know everyone was worried about him? Then he heard the familiar voice of his hyung.

“Ah… Seungri-ah.” Before Seungri could answer the hoarse voice that reached his ears; he began sobbing. Tears soon covered his face and he tried desperately to hold them in to show a comforting front. “Seungri… your fine…your fine.” A small smile played across his lips. Leave it to him to be the one being comforted when he should really be comforting Daesung. After all Daesung was the one suffering. That thought made the tears flow harder down his face.

“Daesung-ah!” His voice cracked. Out of all the things he could do, out of all the talents he possessed, he could not help Daesung. Daesung who was his band mate, his friend, his brother, he who should be able to at least comfort Daesung in his time of need couldn’t. He let out a sob. He tried to stifle it with his fist but he knew Daesung was hearing him break a part.
“Shh, shh. Don’t cry Seungri.” Daesung’s voice was soft and soothing, the voice a mother used to calm a child. Daesung always the strong one.

“Daesung. Everything’s things going to be alright, right?” He heard the plea in his voice. They’d get through this…right? Daesung would be okay…right? The line was silent. “Right? Everything’s going to be fine…right Daesung-ah?” Seungri heard the sudden panic in his voice. Daesung was strong. He’d be okay… he’d have to be okay.

“Seunghyun… your fine. Your okay so stop crying please.” Seungri felt his heart stop momentarily. Daesung wasn’t answering his questions. He wasn’t telling him everything was going to be fine. Seungri felt a chill run through him. What if everything wasn’t going to be fine? What was he supposed to do then?

Seungri finally controlled his tears and began comforting Daesung, “Daesung. Just know we love you. We all love you everything will be okay. Everything will be alright.” There was another long pause on the other end. There were so many words Seungri wanted to say, words of comfort, words that would make him stop torturing himself with guilt, but those words escaped him.

“Seunghyun…” Daesung used his real name again, for once he wished to hear anything but from Daesung’s lips. “I don’t think it will be…” Then Seungri heard a quiet sob escape his hyung’s lips. Daesung was never one to cry in front of others. It broke his heart. “I killed someone Seunghyun… someone died… because of me… I don’t know what to do.” Daesung’s voice cracked and he heard loud heart wrenching sobs. “What do I do?” The desperation in his voice was hard to handle. What did he do? What did they all do? They would never be the same not after tonight. Daesung especially. Seungri wondered if he’d ever be able to be that Smiling Angel that everyone knew and loved, had he forever lost his smile? Had he forever lost a part of himself?

True Soul-mates - Taeyang - One Shot

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:33:00 -0800

Disclaimer: It’s a Taeyang one shot but Jiyongs in there too. Has Pg-13 concepts so if your not comfortable with that don’t read this.

A/N: So I had many bits of inspiration for this. Obviously from the prompt given but also for the five lines below (taken from a City Hunter gif on tumblr) and also for that picture of GD and Taeyang eating together.Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it! Prompt~ Dead and Gone

“I’m afraid of living with my eyes opened
Because even if I’m searching…
I won’t be able to see you.
Instead of yearning for you,
Living with my eyes closed is better”

Youngbae stared at the slightly crumpled and worn out paper in front of him. He reread the prophetic words again unable to turn away. If only he had known that this would actually become reality. That he would end up wishing to be blind, blind from the pain, the loneliness, the complete emptiness that surrounded and filled him every day. Everywhere he turned, everything he saw only made him wish that he was dead. Death would be a relief. At least then he could be where Jiyong was. Youngbae grabbed the desk gripping until his knuckles turned white. It had been two years and he still grieved like it just happened…

Flashback-

“Ji… you done with that yet?” Youngbae quietly whispered not wanting to disturb Jiyong when he was in one of his ‘writing sessions.’ He had to though; Jiyong had been holed up in his room for hours. Not even using the restroom. He knew food was never a priority for Jiyong but he was done with watching Jiyong become skinnier and skinnier. Jiyong was naturally thin and had a hard time putting on weight but not eating wasn’t helping him.

Jiyong looked up with exhausted, red rimmed eyes. He stretched and rubbed his eyes and yawned.

“Yeah… I guess.” He got up without much of a fuss, which was unusual for him, and walked toward the door. Youngbae watched as he looked back mournfully at his desk. He saw a lone piece of paper with five lines written on it. Youngbae furrowed his brows. That’s all he’s written? Youngbae understood writers block but staying holed up for hours for five scrawny lines was just insane. Jiyong brushed passed him and he noticed the slight worn look that seemed to cling to Jiyong. Maybe he had gotten use to the fact that Jiyong always look slightly haggard but today he noticed something was off. Even when Jiyong was at his most weakened he always carried himself well. Always had a certain spark that said ‘I’m exhausted. But I’m alive and I’m happy.’ Maybe he had been in denial but lately Jiyong had lost that spark. Youngbae must’ve been staring to long because Jiyong looked back at him

“Youngbae you coming?” He noticed a gripping emptiness in Jiyong’s eyes an emptiness that confused him. Then Jiyong flashed his normal boyish grin. As always Youngbae smiled back, unable to resist, but he felt a barrenness in Jiyong’s eyes. Jiyong sighed and grabbed Youngbae’s arm. Even the tiny tug that he gave felt frail and empty. “I think I want curry, is that alright with you?” Youngbae just nodded his head, anything to make Jiyong happy. They ended up at a curry restaurant, called ABIKO, Jiyong went to use the restroom while Youngbae ordered. He wasn’t sure on what his long time friend wanted so he just ordered the most popular thing. Usually they didn’t have to say anything as they ate. Their friendship was such that silence allowed them to eat comfortably. But the silence this time only enhanced the off kilter feelings that Youngbae was getting from Jiyong. Something wasn’t right he knew that. But he didn’t know quite what to do. Every time he broached the subject of something being wrong, Jiyong would just flash a smile and say everything’s fine. Youngbae realized he could be depressed again. He had been before during the Heartbreaker era and just like then he couldn’t do anything to help him. Jiyong had medicine for it and it had worked last time but he didn’t know if he was still taking them.

He looked toward Jiyong who practically inhaled his food; he was staring at his empty bowl. It wasn’t just a daydream gaze it was more than that. He was staring but he had nothing more to dream, nothing left to give. If hearts could actually break Youngbae’s broke right there. Unable to watch Jiyong like that he pulled out his phone, “Hey Ji take a picture with me?” Jiyong just looked up and nodded his head. Youngbae tried to put a smile on but he couldn’t.

They returned to their dorm silence still permeating the air. Youngbae watched Jiyong shuffle to his room. He wanted to call him back, talk to him, fix him, return him to the Jiyong he used to be. He looked on mournfully as Jiyong entered his room and slowly shut the door. Right before his door closed Jiyong looked at him hesitant. A sadness spilled from his eyes. Sorrow so deep Youngbae felt it. He involuntarily clutched his chest… his heart hurt. Then Jiyong smiled. A smile that spoke of a tiredness so deep no amount of rest could cure. His soul was tired. Tired of the numbing ache that filled him. “Bae?”

“Yeah Ji?”
“I’m glad I met you. I’m glad you’re my best friend.” Youngbae didn’t know what to say. His mouth turned upwards but he knew it looked more like a grimace.

“Ji… I’m glad you’re my best friend too…” Silence fell again. Jiyong turned to go in. Youngbae wanted to go hug him and tell him everything was alright. But he didn’t.

“Oh… and Bae…” All Youngbae could manage was a slight grunt. “I love you.” Youngbae reached a hand out in the air and pulled it back. He loved Jiyong too. They were soul mates. Not the romantic kind like everyone thought but the kind where you knew you met a kindred spirit, where you were one soul sharing two bodies.
“I… love you too Ji.” Youngbae watched as Jiyong silently shut the door without another word.

End Flashback-

That next day had killed him. Not physically but it had torn him in two. He had found Jiyong on his bed with an empty pill bottle by his side. That day he had lost part of his soul. How do you live on from that? They had found his suicide note lying on his desk on the back of the five lined paper. Besides the contents in the note those five lines were the last lyrics he had ever written. Did he know they would express what Youngbae felt? Did he know that he was being selfish? Youngbae tore up the paper in his hands and threw it on the ground. He hated Jiyong for leaving them… for leaving him. Angry tears fell from his eyes. He had cried so many times he lost count. He sat down again and surveyed Jiyong’s room. It was exactly the same. He wouldn’t allow others to change it. He wiped his eyes and looked at the remnants of his rage. He got on his knees and picked up the ripped shreds of paper, the last words Jiyong ever wrote, he’d have to tape it together; he’d have to fix it, repair it somehow. If only he could do the same for his soul.